Show me the Manyi

Jimmy Manyi may be one of the few of our political figures who is not riding the Gravy Train (and by definition therefore not worthy of mention in this blog) but his recent utterances certainly merit comment and, not wanting to disappoint my loyal readers (hi mom), I shall oblige.

In order to at least honour the purpose of this blog, mention must first be made of Mr. Manyi's Gravy Train credentials (or lack thereof). This is certainly not for a lack of effort on his part. For someone generally considered to be fairly intelligent (at least compared to some of our prominent political figures) he has found it rather difficult to turn political influence into profit. This is something JuJu has no trouble with and, considering he failed woodwork, he's clearly not the sharpest tool in the... well, you know. Mr. Manyi holds the rare honour of being one of the very few political figures who have been held to account by the ruling party on allegations of impropriety. This on it's own must surely prove his guilt. He was sacked as the DG of Labour after his good intentioned offers to help grease the wheels of some BEE deals for the Norwegian embassy were misconstrued and the Norwegians complained. Smarty pants should have known better - Norwegians are probably the least corrupt people on the planet - he should have used JuJu's tactics and stuck with Limpopo.

That left the ANC with a problem of where to deploy him - someone of his intellect could surely be useful in some other position. Besides, he's also a friend of Grand Master Zuma. Of all his talents, very few would count diplomacy amongst them - his suggestion that coloureds should leave Cape Town and his joke about Indians bargaining their way to the top probably did more harm to the ANC's election campaign than anything JuJu ever said - so it made perfect sense for him to be recruited as government spokesman. The media must have been elated.

And they had good reason to be. Just last week Mr. Manyi threatened to centralise the government's advertising budget under his control and only to use this R1-billion a year to advertise in those publications that fully and 'accurately' reported the government's message. That's a lot of money to have under one person's control. Hmmm... If I were a sceptical man I might wonder if Mr. Manyi knew anyone who owned a paper. Maybe someone close to Zuma? Maybe it's all his idea?

Now today he came up with another great idea: the government would make a five part TV series to be aired on National television. Heck, it couldn't be worse than Isidingo. If he's looking for ideas on what format the show might take, might I suggest a reality TV show? They're all the rage at the moment. How about an Apprentice-style show where people vie for the latest government contract. It could be called "Show me the Manyi". I would even subscribe to Top TV to see Kenny Kunene eat a Parktowm prawn off a half-naked model on "I'm a tenderpreneur, get me outa here". Or how about a few episodes for Cribs. I've heard so much about Zuma, Shiceka, Cele and the Mpisane's pads, I would love to have a look. Or Khulubuse Zuma could attempt to lose some weight for "The Biggest Loser" but then we all know who the real losers in this sorry affair are.

REFERENCES
Manyi's next onslaught

Slumdog Billionaire or is something fishy with Mr Sushi?

Kenny Kunene

Mr. Kenny Kunene is the next Gravy Train passenger I would like to introduce you to. He's drawn the ire of a lot of people, like Zwelenzima Vavi. But, let's face it, who cares who you tick off when you're not only mates mates with the current president but with the future president as well: Julius Malema even held Mr. Sushi up as a model for the youth of the country. They should all get rich off the coffers of government according to the Youth League leader.

But really, all the hullabaloo in the papers about Mr. Kunene is absolutely uncalled for. Isn't it ridiculous how the media have been gunning for him ever since he ate sushi off some half-naked models? Mr. Kunene is one of the most important passengers on the Gravy Train where at least we appreciate that it's only whether one has a lot of money - and not where it came from - that matters.

Mr. Kunene is a self made millionaire (much like Roux Shabangu) who has helped make the New South Africa the success it is and just goes to prove that, in this New South Africa, all one needs to drag oneself up from the gutter and turn oneself into a success is some hard work, a bit of charisma and a little help from one's friends.  Mr. Kunene's rags to riches tale is one so incredible that it would be considered too far fetched even for a Bollywood script.

He grew up in poverty, got mixed up with the wrong crowd and later became embroiled in a world of gangs and crime, eventually landing in jail for fraud. There he met his future business partner, Gayton McKenzie, who was serving time for armed robbery.

The two crooks first made money selling Mr. McKenzie's autobiography to schools in the western cape before hitting the big time with Central Rand Gold. The company, listed in London and Johannesburg, has had in excess of R1-billion pumped in by shareholders and on the back of Mr. McKenzie and Mr. Kunene's ability to arrange mining rights fast they ended up as directors of the company - even though they are disqualified as being directors by the Companies Act. The company has since squandered it's money on excessive salaries and payments for dubious consultants and now is set to close. But Mr. Sushi and friends have found a buyer for their services in Gold Fields, one of South Africa's oldest companies.

Nowadays he's known for his nightclubs and the lavish parties he throws - his R700 000 birthday bash, the Mpisane's R1-million vow renewal bash and of course President Zuma's daughter's wedding bash - but it was on the Gravy Train in the early days of his success that he first tried the techiques that he has so well honed since. Luckily his parties have improved since the days when we ate sausage rolls off the hairy belly of Kobus our train driver.

REFERENCES
The man who dares SA to question his millions
Malema backs sushi tycoons
How a Joburg “gold mine” ate $200m in cash
Gold Fields, an advocate and two convicted criminals
How sushi king went from Mr Price to Mr Pricey

Even with his immense wealth and Lamborghinis, he remains a man of the people and is always ready to give back to the community. Only recently, at the final ANC municipal election rally he was giving out R100 notes to people in the crowd.

Kenny Kunene is proof that, even in this cynical day and age, fairy tales do still come true.