Where are the textbooks, Angie?

Okay so we know education is not exactly a priority for this ANC government.  Why would it be when all that's required to be President is a standard three education? Malema hasn't done too badly for himself either with a G in Woodwork.  Yup, the era of qualified lawyers and other educated professionals running our fine land has long gone.

So Angie Motshekga must have been pleased to land herself the pretty cushy and undemanding role of Minister of Basic Education.  "Basic Education," she must have thought.  "That can't be too hard!  As long as they can read 'ANC' and write X!"  Surely the department could just tick along merrily without any supervision from her?  That would allow her to sit back, put her feet up and gaze absentmindedly out the window of her Gravy Train compartment at all the truant school children (and teachers!) smoking tik on the pavement as they glided past her, just on the edge of her consciousness.

Angie on the Gravy Train?  Surely, you say, if she had profited unduly from her ministerial role in any way she would have splashed out on a little cosmetic dentistry for a start!  A compelling argument for sure but, I assure you, this Angie certainly has a bit of money in her coat.  She also has helped herself to a couple of luxury cars courtesy of you and I, which is certainly enough to qualify her to ride on this train.

Angie, you're beautiful, but ain't it time we said goodbye? 

Angie did her level best to remove herself from contention for a ministerial post in an earlier textbook-related mishap but previous performance is no obstacle to progress in the Zuma administration.  Besides, the comrades in fast cars that run our country had big plans for a loyal yet incompetent public servant.  Plans which Angie is now fulfilling extraordinarily well.

You see, it is well known to the ANC that an uneducated population is much easier to control.  It's a trick they learned from the the Apartheid government, which used education (or the lack thereof) as a weapon against the masses of this country in an attempt to keep them pliant and therefore less likely to rise up and overthrow their corrupt system.  In fact, running a banana republic is generally a lot easier if the population loses count after the third transition, (which on current trends is due to happen just before the elective conference after Mangaung).   It's a concept other bastions of democratic principle like Egypt, Libya and Syria had also adopted with zeal.

So Angie, where will you lead us from here?

Slumdog Billionaire or is something fishy with Mr Sushi?

Kenny Kunene

Mr. Kenny Kunene is the next Gravy Train passenger I would like to introduce you to. He's drawn the ire of a lot of people, like Zwelenzima Vavi. But, let's face it, who cares who you tick off when you're not only mates mates with the current president but with the future president as well: Julius Malema even held Mr. Sushi up as a model for the youth of the country. They should all get rich off the coffers of government according to the Youth League leader.

But really, all the hullabaloo in the papers about Mr. Kunene is absolutely uncalled for. Isn't it ridiculous how the media have been gunning for him ever since he ate sushi off some half-naked models? Mr. Kunene is one of the most important passengers on the Gravy Train where at least we appreciate that it's only whether one has a lot of money - and not where it came from - that matters.

Mr. Kunene is a self made millionaire (much like Roux Shabangu) who has helped make the New South Africa the success it is and just goes to prove that, in this New South Africa, all one needs to drag oneself up from the gutter and turn oneself into a success is some hard work, a bit of charisma and a little help from one's friends.  Mr. Kunene's rags to riches tale is one so incredible that it would be considered too far fetched even for a Bollywood script.

He grew up in poverty, got mixed up with the wrong crowd and later became embroiled in a world of gangs and crime, eventually landing in jail for fraud. There he met his future business partner, Gayton McKenzie, who was serving time for armed robbery.

The two crooks first made money selling Mr. McKenzie's autobiography to schools in the western cape before hitting the big time with Central Rand Gold. The company, listed in London and Johannesburg, has had in excess of R1-billion pumped in by shareholders and on the back of Mr. McKenzie and Mr. Kunene's ability to arrange mining rights fast they ended up as directors of the company - even though they are disqualified as being directors by the Companies Act. The company has since squandered it's money on excessive salaries and payments for dubious consultants and now is set to close. But Mr. Sushi and friends have found a buyer for their services in Gold Fields, one of South Africa's oldest companies.

Nowadays he's known for his nightclubs and the lavish parties he throws - his R700 000 birthday bash, the Mpisane's R1-million vow renewal bash and of course President Zuma's daughter's wedding bash - but it was on the Gravy Train in the early days of his success that he first tried the techiques that he has so well honed since. Luckily his parties have improved since the days when we ate sausage rolls off the hairy belly of Kobus our train driver.

REFERENCES
The man who dares SA to question his millions
Malema backs sushi tycoons
How a Joburg “gold mine” ate $200m in cash
Gold Fields, an advocate and two convicted criminals
How sushi king went from Mr Price to Mr Pricey

Even with his immense wealth and Lamborghinis, he remains a man of the people and is always ready to give back to the community. Only recently, at the final ANC municipal election rally he was giving out R100 notes to people in the crowd.

Kenny Kunene is proof that, even in this cynical day and age, fairy tales do still come true.

Houses, houses, big and small

It's Thursday now and many of us on the train are still recovering from the massive celebrations on the weekend. Wow! What a wedding! One would think we would be able to handle all the partying by now but it does become quite a drain after a while. Not all of us are as fit as we should be - I'm looking at you Khulubuse. It was only a few weeks ago that everyone was partying up a storm at the renewal of the Mpisanes' wedding vows and Sbu's 40th birthday bash.

You must know the Mpisanes: they are amongst the highest achievers on the train – we are very proud of them. They have been getting a lot of mileage in the press too. We all appreciate the publicity.

You see Shauwn (that's the wife) is the daughter of the late Florence Mkhize. Florence was the chairperson of the eThekwini Municipality Housing Committee. Of course I am sure that it’s purely coincidental that Shauwn’s company Zikhulise Cleaning and Transport has won numerous tenders to build houses and schools from the eThekwini municipality. There have been some problems with the houses though: houses were demolished as they were unsafe and many more are in a poor state; Residents are demanding more houses be rebuilt; Many of them still don’t have water or sanitation years after moving in.

The media and the opposition parties are so hard on Shauwn. Don’t they realize it’s very difficult to be able to turn massive profits from such cheap housing? She’s had to cut every corner conceivable just to be able to scrape together enough money to buy her R15m house and her husband Sbu’s 30 supercars.

Now Sbu is another card. He was a key witness in the trial of the wealthy Mandla Gcaba while he was a Metro Police officer in Durban. Gcaba was accused of being involved in a shooting outside the High Court in Durban. Three people had died and six had been wounded. Sbu’s car was identified as the getaway vehicle – but he failed to testify and then disappeared. Later he started driving a Lamborghini to work! He has expanded his collection since so much that he and Shauwn bought the house next door, flattened it and built a garage for all his cars. Shauwn gave him a R1,8 million Maserati for his 40th birthday party.

Ah yes, the party… what a spectacle. It was Sbu’s 40th and the renewal of the couple’s wedding vows. A five day extravaganza that made Duduzile’s wedding bash look like Steve Hofmeyr night at the local karaoke. It apparently cost in excess of R1 million. They could have saved R30k though, as kwaito star Professor didn’t even bother to pitch after they had paid him. The couple wore Egyptian themed outfits – as Sbu said, they are a couple who like class.

After all this partying we’re not sure what the rest of the year holds in store. If it carries on like this we’re going to need liver transplants. And it’s so much harder to jump the queue since Dr Manto Tshabalala-Msimang passed on. Oh well, we will just have to struggle through. Amandla! Viva The Gravy Train! Viva!

January 2010 The mystery of Mpisane millions
March 2010 Taxman confiscates R17m in cars
April 2010 Mpisane houses need 'rectification'
August 2010 Mpisane houses demolished
January 2011 Residents’ hopes go down the toilet
March 2011 Love me tenders...
March 2011 Housing Scandals in Durban
26 March No expense spared for glitzy bash

A royal affair

The Gravy Train had to make a detour to the Eastern Cape this Easter. It’s not a part of the country we get to visit often but everyone’s happy to make a bit of an exception for a wedding. And this one’s a royal wedding nogal. You must have heard of it: it’s been billed as the wedding of the year. No, no, not that one… I’m talking about the South African royal family: The house of Zuma.

I see how one could be confused: the similarities are astounding. For one, both families have a lot of money. And we’re not entirely sure where it comes from. Both families have a jet-set lifestyle, flitting from one exotic foreign location to another on their private jets yet we don’t really know what they do there. Both families have a myriad of cousins, second-cousins, nephews, nieces, aunts and uncles who also seem to have rather a lot of money and who seem to be involved in just about everything.

There are certainly some differences though. The other royal family have nothing on our royals when it comes to style. I’m sure they’ll end up trotting through London in some garish, jewel encrusted carriage that looks as if it’s about to transform back into a pumpkin at any moment. Our royals had a cavalcade of 12 Lamborghinis and a white rickshaw. And the bling? There were no fusty old crown jewels for our royals – they aren’t restricted by ridiculous traditions and rituals (except those that make handy excuses, huh, JZ?). No, our royal bride was sporting a brand new R1,5m diamond necklace custom-made for the event.

And the guests? They are the crème-de-la-crème of South African society, people of the highest calibre (literally in some cases). Many of them are passengers of our train: Fana “Bang Bang” Hlongwane, Khulubuse “The Beast” Zuma and Kenny “Sushi King” Kunene to name a few.

But all good parties must come to an end. The Gravy Train keeps on running and is showing no sign of stopping or slowing down any time soon. Keep an eye out for us – we’ll be coming to a town near you very soon.