Houses, houses, big and small

It's Thursday now and many of us on the train are still recovering from the massive celebrations on the weekend. Wow! What a wedding! One would think we would be able to handle all the partying by now but it does become quite a drain after a while. Not all of us are as fit as we should be - I'm looking at you Khulubuse. It was only a few weeks ago that everyone was partying up a storm at the renewal of the Mpisanes' wedding vows and Sbu's 40th birthday bash.

You must know the Mpisanes: they are amongst the highest achievers on the train – we are very proud of them. They have been getting a lot of mileage in the press too. We all appreciate the publicity.

You see Shauwn (that's the wife) is the daughter of the late Florence Mkhize. Florence was the chairperson of the eThekwini Municipality Housing Committee. Of course I am sure that it’s purely coincidental that Shauwn’s company Zikhulise Cleaning and Transport has won numerous tenders to build houses and schools from the eThekwini municipality. There have been some problems with the houses though: houses were demolished as they were unsafe and many more are in a poor state; Residents are demanding more houses be rebuilt; Many of them still don’t have water or sanitation years after moving in.

The media and the opposition parties are so hard on Shauwn. Don’t they realize it’s very difficult to be able to turn massive profits from such cheap housing? She’s had to cut every corner conceivable just to be able to scrape together enough money to buy her R15m house and her husband Sbu’s 30 supercars.

Now Sbu is another card. He was a key witness in the trial of the wealthy Mandla Gcaba while he was a Metro Police officer in Durban. Gcaba was accused of being involved in a shooting outside the High Court in Durban. Three people had died and six had been wounded. Sbu’s car was identified as the getaway vehicle – but he failed to testify and then disappeared. Later he started driving a Lamborghini to work! He has expanded his collection since so much that he and Shauwn bought the house next door, flattened it and built a garage for all his cars. Shauwn gave him a R1,8 million Maserati for his 40th birthday party.

Ah yes, the party… what a spectacle. It was Sbu’s 40th and the renewal of the couple’s wedding vows. A five day extravaganza that made Duduzile’s wedding bash look like Steve Hofmeyr night at the local karaoke. It apparently cost in excess of R1 million. They could have saved R30k though, as kwaito star Professor didn’t even bother to pitch after they had paid him. The couple wore Egyptian themed outfits – as Sbu said, they are a couple who like class.

After all this partying we’re not sure what the rest of the year holds in store. If it carries on like this we’re going to need liver transplants. And it’s so much harder to jump the queue since Dr Manto Tshabalala-Msimang passed on. Oh well, we will just have to struggle through. Amandla! Viva The Gravy Train! Viva!

January 2010 The mystery of Mpisane millions
March 2010 Taxman confiscates R17m in cars
April 2010 Mpisane houses need 'rectification'
August 2010 Mpisane houses demolished
January 2011 Residents’ hopes go down the toilet
March 2011 Love me tenders...
March 2011 Housing Scandals in Durban
26 March No expense spared for glitzy bash

A royal affair

The Gravy Train had to make a detour to the Eastern Cape this Easter. It’s not a part of the country we get to visit often but everyone’s happy to make a bit of an exception for a wedding. And this one’s a royal wedding nogal. You must have heard of it: it’s been billed as the wedding of the year. No, no, not that one… I’m talking about the South African royal family: The house of Zuma.

I see how one could be confused: the similarities are astounding. For one, both families have a lot of money. And we’re not entirely sure where it comes from. Both families have a jet-set lifestyle, flitting from one exotic foreign location to another on their private jets yet we don’t really know what they do there. Both families have a myriad of cousins, second-cousins, nephews, nieces, aunts and uncles who also seem to have rather a lot of money and who seem to be involved in just about everything.

There are certainly some differences though. The other royal family have nothing on our royals when it comes to style. I’m sure they’ll end up trotting through London in some garish, jewel encrusted carriage that looks as if it’s about to transform back into a pumpkin at any moment. Our royals had a cavalcade of 12 Lamborghinis and a white rickshaw. And the bling? There were no fusty old crown jewels for our royals – they aren’t restricted by ridiculous traditions and rituals (except those that make handy excuses, huh, JZ?). No, our royal bride was sporting a brand new R1,5m diamond necklace custom-made for the event.

And the guests? They are the crème-de-la-crème of South African society, people of the highest calibre (literally in some cases). Many of them are passengers of our train: Fana “Bang Bang” Hlongwane, Khulubuse “The Beast” Zuma and Kenny “Sushi King” Kunene to name a few.

But all good parties must come to an end. The Gravy Train keeps on running and is showing no sign of stopping or slowing down any time soon. Keep an eye out for us – we’ll be coming to a town near you very soon.