Zuma, the Grand Master

I don’t know about you but I have never been one for chess. Moving small chiselled pieces around a chequered board has always seemed a little unnecessary for me – and hardly great entertainment. I find there are many other activities that keep me entertained. For a good laugh, there’s little to beat watching the evening news – although I do have a strange sense of humour. I’m not sure how our president enjoys chess but I suspect he would be rather good at it if he gave it a try.

Jacob Zuma

Let’s face it, most of us view our president as a bit of a dim, bald Casanova. Personally, I imagine him at the G20 summits, World Economic Conferences and various other shindigs that those in power tend to congregate at spending less time paying any attention to any of the serious discussions and a little more time checking out the ladies. I can imagine him leaning across and seducing Angela Merkel with goat herding tales from his youth during debates on the effects of global warming on developing economies, all the while nonchalantly resting a hand on her knee.

This is, I am sure, a misconception, and one which Mr. Zuma uses to his own advantage. The skilful way in which he manoeuvred himself out of standing trial for the arms deal irregularities testifies to his understanding of the system, how to circumvent its controls and the enormous loyalty he enjoys with those whom he carefully deployed in key positions. It’s a story that books have been written about and there’s certainly no space to go into the details here.

Recently, Bheki Cele has caught a fair amount of flack for the property deals in Pretoria and Durban. The media have been eager to see his name dragged through the mud and the opposition have jumped at the opportunity to call for his head. But I wonder if he was not merely another pawn – a minion – in the grand scheme designed by Mr. Zuma.

Let’s consider the facts:

• After the Public Protector was asked to investigate the deals, she instructed that the agreements be put on hold until the investigation had been completed. The Minister of Public Works, Geoff Doidge, did exactly that.
• Shortly thereafter he was relieved of his position by Mr. Zuma and a new Minister of Public Works, Gwen Mahlangu-Nkabinde, was appointed in his place.
• One of her first actions was to re-institute the lease agreement for the Pretoria building in contravention of the Public Protector’s instructions.
• The original lease agreement for the Durban building fell through on the small technicality that Shabangu didn’t actually own the building.
• Not one to be upset by such small set backs, Mrs. Mahlangu-Nkabinde immediately put the lease to tender again. Roux Shabangu again seems to be the frontrunner to win this one for twice the rental for the Police’s current building.
• When the Public Protector came back with the results of the investigation, i.e. that the lease was illegal, it was all but ignored and no action has yet been taken.

The Public Protector will find it very hard to hold anyone to account – she can approach the NPA and ask for charges to be raised but Menzi Simelane is a Zuma stooge; Cele is involved in the whole affair so the police won’t be interested… if only we had an independent crime fighting unit – just like that envisaged in the constitution… Oh, yes… what ever happened to them?

See what I mean? Zuma has shuffled all the pieces around the board and left us with very little room to move. He only has one or two more moves left to make – the Protection of information bill and a Media Tribunal are dangerously draconian measures which would make it impossible for the media to report on any of these issues without serious repercussions – and it will be checkmate.

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In other news…

REFERENCES
Police building deal back on track
The SAPS and the 'dodgy' office deal
Free-spending Shiceka's head is set to roll

Sicelo Shiceka may well have his comeuppance after all. After lying on his CV, wasting huge wads of cash on trips to Switzerland to visit his girlfriend in jail, building himself a mansion in an impoverished part of the Eastern Cape and getting service delivery the fellow residents could only dream of, generally not doing a very good job and making the entire government under Zuma look even more inept and corrupt than they already did by getting all this splashed all over the papers, he’s finally ticked Zuma off: by naming Cape Town as the best run municipality. I’m glad to see that Zuma has his priorities straight. I hope that Zille has taken full advantage of this gift from the ANC government – we’re unlikely to see a DA-run municipality win anything from the government again, even if they are the only municipalities that are not bankrupt.

EXCLUSIVE: Ministerial Handbook clarified!

Coinciding with the release of the DA’s Western Cape Ministerial Handbook, I can exclusively reveal that work has been completed on a document that will seek to clarify some of the ambiguities of the National Ministerial Handbook that has lead to such awkward and unwarranted press coverage over the last few years.

Richard Baloyi

Of course, I know that the M&G cheekily published the 2007 Ministerial Handbook on their website a couple of weeks ago but what they didn't realise, the clowns, was that Richard Baloyi was in the process of preparing the Guide for the Re-evaluation of All VIP Employment Entitlements (GRAVEE) document. He had made it a priority to look into the issue ever since Blade Nzimande complained he was unable, under the existing overly-restrictive and bourgeois Handbook, to sufficiently customise his BMW 750i with all the necessities to properly serve the proletariat – like star-spoke chrome wheels and LCD screens in the head rests.

It’s fair to say that, despite pestering from a number of ministers, Mr. Baloyi just could not find the time to look into the document for about two years. ‘Better late than never’ is an ethos wholehearted embraced by many of our public servants (so much so, I’ve heard rumours that it was considered as the ANC election slogan) and in this spirit Mr. Baloyi made plans a few weeks ago to seriously look into the Ministerial Handbook issue.

First, he sought out an aide – someone who had intimate knowledge of the Handbook, especially the particularly restrictive bits, and who had a bit of time on his hands. Sicelo Shiceka was a natural choice.

Next they quarantined themselves in Mr. Shiceko’s medical carriage on the train where they promised to work relentlessly until a solution could be found. After ten minutes of hard labour they emerged, exhausted, with the new GRAVEE document in hand. In order to ensure that the Ministers would actually read it, it was limited to one page of bullet points – a Ministerial Cheat-sheet if you will.

Here are a few extracts:

“The following document seeks to clarify areas on uncertainly on the 2007 Ministerial Handbook. As such where there are any contradictions between the two, this document supersedes the Handbook.”

“Regarding motor vehicles, members are entitled to spend more than 70% of their salaries provided that the excess expenditure assists the member in the performance of their roles – like getting them somewhere quicker or keeping them entertained on the way”

“Regarding international travel, this will be considered to be in the National Interest if a member’s family/mistress/girlfriend is imprisoned in a foreign country, a member’s wife’s drug mule is threatened with imprisonment or there is a two-for-one sale at Louis Vuitton”

“Regarding the number of persons that may accompany a member on any local or international trip this will be strictly limited to the result of the roll of a pair of dice. The member is entitled to unlimited rolls.”

“Regarding accommodation, members are entitled to assume that at any time all hotels in any given city are fully booked except for the most expensive suites in the most expensive hotels.”

“Furthermore, members are prohibited from flying first-class except where the president's fleet of luxury private jets are being otherwise utilised.”

REFERENCES
New Ministerial Handbook to Curb Spending
The Elusive Ministerial Handbook

With the new document Richard Baloyi is hoping clear up any misunderstandings so that everyone can feel secure in the fact that public funds are being spent in the best interests of the public at large and, of course, that our trusted public servants are not hindered in performing their duties due to excessive financial constraints.

** Please note that this entire entry (apart from the fact that a new Western Cape Ministerial Handbook has been released) is fictitious. Of course, Richard Baloyi has not released any revised Ministerial Handbook despite promising to look into the matter for some time now.

The peasants are revolting!

We had quite a scare on the train today; I must tell you about it! We made an unscheduled stop in Ingquza Hill, Sicelo Shiceka's home town, to allow Mr Shiceka to check on the progress of his mansion... I mean, to check on the progress of his road... I mean the public road built for everyone that happens to run past his house. Sheesh, it's better than the excuse he gave to visit his girlfriend in jail in Switzerland!

As we stopped in the town, the train was surrounded by an angry mob with pitchforks and burning stakes. They were clearly angry about something but were just unable to clearly express their frustration in any civilised manner. We all assumed it was the ANC Youth League returning from Zululand and were about to open the doors to let them on when they started chanting for mr Shiceko's head on a stick. It's fair to say we were all a little surprised at that point - we know Julius and co can be a little unpredictable at times but this was going overboard.

Their leader then approached the train and repeated his call for a Shiceka skewer. We then realized these were the local peasants. And they were revolting!? I mean, this is the 21st century, not the Dark Ages. Although, I must admit, looking out on the village of dirt streets, with no running water or electricity and surrounded by the abject poverty, there was certainly a resemblance.

We tried explaining to them that pre-election promises of houses, roads, electricity and water would be fulfilled eventually – except that the houses were being built, electrified and watered one house at a time. It was just that mr Shiceka’s happened to the first on the list, purely by coincidence of course.

REFERENCE
Villagers threaten 'massive revolt' against Shiceka

Clearly they were in no mood for rational dialogue and started attacking the train. Bheki Cele came to the rescue and volunteered to try and calm the protestors. He said he would use all his diplomatic skills to ensure that the situation was resolved as quickly as possible and in the most peaceful manner. After the shooting died down and the protestors had fled, we closed the door and the train pulled off, with all on board resolving never to return to this horrible place. Mr Shiceka was welcome to visit as often as he liked but from now on he would have to travel with his VIP protection in his 10-car cavalcade up the road built expressly for the purpose.

Shiceka sets the pace

We were extremely impressed today to see Mr. Shiceka on the front page of the Sunday Times for the second week in a row! And all this while Mr. Shiceka has been recovering in our medical carriage. This remarkable performance has even impressed Bheki Cele who has resolved to work much harder in the face of this unexpected competition.

Therefore in celebration and as a reward to Mr. Shiceka, he will be the first to have his score calculated and added to our Roll of Honour.

Trip to Switzerland to visit girlfriend (4 points)
plus: 1 point for assistant
plus: BONUS point because girlfriend was in jail for drug smuggling!

Stays at One&Only in Cape Town (7 points)
plus: 1 point for staff
plus: 1 point for Sangoma

Flights in SA (2 points)
plus: 1 point for giving all the family a go as well

Spending his full allowance of two luxury cars (2 points)

Living like an emperor amongst the poverty of Ingquza Hill (5 points for sheer audacity!)

Being on sick leave for over a month, blaming his absence on having too much work, expecting someone else to cover for him and giving no indication of when he will see fit to return to work (5 points for arrogance!)

Claiming to have a master's degree in political economy when he didn't (2 points for the cheek)

Allowing his girlfriend to use a government vehicle for shopping (1 point)

Throwing a birthday party for his mum and getting us to pay (1 point)

Failing to investigate irregular financial transactions amounting to R1,8m in his department (all from his office) (2 points)

Out judging panel all agree: that is a strong effort from Mr. Shiceka. He certainly sets the pace. A massive 34 points sets a very tough level for our fellow passengers to aim for. No doubt we have some strong contenders and they will be inspired by Mr. Shiceka's performance so watch this space.

Watch this space as we will put more of our passengers through their paces in the coming days and weeks.

Shiceka builds emperor's palace in SA's poorest village
Shiceka: Hey big spender

Quiet please, Mr Shiceka is sleeping

Sicelo Shiceka

Our first passenger is Sicelo Shiceka.  You may know him as the Minister of Co-operative Governance and Traditional Affairs but he is just another passenger to us.  You must appreciate that all passengers on this train are entitled to the same exceptional service.

Please, we must ask that you remain quiet as the minister is currently in our medical carriage getting some much needed rest.  He's been there for the last month.  The people who catch this train often have very stressful lives and sometimes a little R&R is just what is needed.  We must stress that Mr Shiceka is an extreme case; his condition is so severe that we don't know when he will be up and about again.

You see, Mr Shiceka has quite outdone himself since boarding the train.  We hate to gossip about our esteemed passengers but Mr Shiceka has shown very little restraint in indulging in the luxuries we offer to our guests.  First class flights to Switzerland, staying in swanky hotels and limo rides; Such things are quite normal but Mr Shiceka partook in all the frivolity while visiting a girlfriend in jail in Switzerland.  All the while he was purporting to be on official World Cup business!  Why this is extraordinary behavior!  Even Mr Nyanda would be impressed!

But seriously, in nine months in 2009 he flew 183 times.  That's a flight every 1 and a half days!  How could one begrudge the minister a little time to recuperate?

Some of the old-timers just don't understand this.  We've seen them, you know, waiting at the stations patiently for the regular service when our Gravy Train pulls in.  They didn't get on board.  Not all of them anyway.  Somehow they seem to resent our passengers.  Why only last week Mr Asmal was shouting from the platform that Mr Shiceka should be thrown off, saying that since he was unable to perform someone else should take over his position.  Thrown off?  In his condition?  Ludicrous!  I had a quiet word with Mr Shiceka and he told me he intended to ride this train all the way to the end of the line.

Anyway... there are many more passengers for me to introduce you to.  Please follow me.

REFERENCES
Replace Shiceka if he can’t perform - Asmal
Minister splurges public money