Of course you're innocent, Sheryl

Presumed innocent, until proven guilty: the central pillar on which our entire legal system rests. In the case of the passengers on our Gravy Train, however, they should probably be presumed guilty… until proved guilty, that is. Yes, one of our passengers has again been dragged out and flogged in public… metaphorically speaking, of course.

Sheryl and Siyabonga were one of the less showy of the couples on the train (unlike the Mpisanes) but unbeknownst to everyone were quietly accumulating their own gravy reserves on the side. Credit has to go to Sheryl too, she was incredibly entrepreneurial – everyone else just gets the government to give them their money – she went out and earned it. Almost like an honest living!

Of course, you don’t get on the Gravy Train without a little help from your friends (or family) and Sheryl is no different. She somehow got her position as Director (of Health and Community Services, nogal!) even though she applied late – which probably didn’t matter since she didn’t bother to complete an application form. I suppose the surname and a reference from hubby – then Chairperson of the ANC in the area – would suffice. She certainly didn’t meet the Department’s minimum requirements.

She had a good working relationship with her colleagues. Probably because she was there so seldom! She was off work for more than four months between March 2009 and her arrest in January 2010 and when she did bother to go to work she arrived late, left early and sometimes didn’t go back after lunch.

Then there’s the question of motive. Why, when she was earning a salary of more than 700 grand and hubby earned R1,8 million, would she have to resort to criminality – at least such blatant criminality? Well, dear reader, if you ask that, you clearly do not understand the workings of the Gravy Train.

Naturally, Siyabonga knew nothing about it. He was far too busy with his day job as Minister of Safety and Security chasing bad guys all over the country. How could he be expected to know Sheryl’s dealing drugs at home? Who’d look there?

Sheryl’s appealing the verdict. As I was saying it’s innocent until proven guilty in our judicial system. But we know better, don’t we Sheryl?

Minister mum as wife faces drugs rap
Family trips show a very married Mr and Mrs Cwele
Sheryl Cwele sentenced to 12 years
Contract renewed twice despite incompetence ruling

Shiceka sets the pace

We were extremely impressed today to see Mr. Shiceka on the front page of the Sunday Times for the second week in a row! And all this while Mr. Shiceka has been recovering in our medical carriage. This remarkable performance has even impressed Bheki Cele who has resolved to work much harder in the face of this unexpected competition.

Therefore in celebration and as a reward to Mr. Shiceka, he will be the first to have his score calculated and added to our Roll of Honour.

Trip to Switzerland to visit girlfriend (4 points)
plus: 1 point for assistant
plus: BONUS point because girlfriend was in jail for drug smuggling!

Stays at One&Only in Cape Town (7 points)
plus: 1 point for staff
plus: 1 point for Sangoma

Flights in SA (2 points)
plus: 1 point for giving all the family a go as well

Spending his full allowance of two luxury cars (2 points)

Living like an emperor amongst the poverty of Ingquza Hill (5 points for sheer audacity!)

Being on sick leave for over a month, blaming his absence on having too much work, expecting someone else to cover for him and giving no indication of when he will see fit to return to work (5 points for arrogance!)

Claiming to have a master's degree in political economy when he didn't (2 points for the cheek)

Allowing his girlfriend to use a government vehicle for shopping (1 point)

Throwing a birthday party for his mum and getting us to pay (1 point)

Failing to investigate irregular financial transactions amounting to R1,8m in his department (all from his office) (2 points)

Out judging panel all agree: that is a strong effort from Mr. Shiceka. He certainly sets the pace. A massive 34 points sets a very tough level for our fellow passengers to aim for. No doubt we have some strong contenders and they will be inspired by Mr. Shiceka's performance so watch this space.

Watch this space as we will put more of our passengers through their paces in the coming days and weeks.

Shiceka builds emperor's palace in SA's poorest village
Shiceka: Hey big spender

Quiet please, Mr Shiceka is sleeping

Sicelo Shiceka

Our first passenger is Sicelo Shiceka.  You may know him as the Minister of Co-operative Governance and Traditional Affairs but he is just another passenger to us.  You must appreciate that all passengers on this train are entitled to the same exceptional service.

Please, we must ask that you remain quiet as the minister is currently in our medical carriage getting some much needed rest.  He's been there for the last month.  The people who catch this train often have very stressful lives and sometimes a little R&R is just what is needed.  We must stress that Mr Shiceka is an extreme case; his condition is so severe that we don't know when he will be up and about again.

You see, Mr Shiceka has quite outdone himself since boarding the train.  We hate to gossip about our esteemed passengers but Mr Shiceka has shown very little restraint in indulging in the luxuries we offer to our guests.  First class flights to Switzerland, staying in swanky hotels and limo rides; Such things are quite normal but Mr Shiceka partook in all the frivolity while visiting a girlfriend in jail in Switzerland.  All the while he was purporting to be on official World Cup business!  Why this is extraordinary behavior!  Even Mr Nyanda would be impressed!

But seriously, in nine months in 2009 he flew 183 times.  That's a flight every 1 and a half days!  How could one begrudge the minister a little time to recuperate?

Some of the old-timers just don't understand this.  We've seen them, you know, waiting at the stations patiently for the regular service when our Gravy Train pulls in.  They didn't get on board.  Not all of them anyway.  Somehow they seem to resent our passengers.  Why only last week Mr Asmal was shouting from the platform that Mr Shiceka should be thrown off, saying that since he was unable to perform someone else should take over his position.  Thrown off?  In his condition?  Ludicrous!  I had a quiet word with Mr Shiceka and he told me he intended to ride this train all the way to the end of the line.

Anyway... there are many more passengers for me to introduce you to.  Please follow me.

REFERENCES
Replace Shiceka if he can’t perform - Asmal
Minister splurges public money