Coinciding with the release of the DA’s Western Cape Ministerial Handbook, I can exclusively reveal that work has been completed on a document that will seek to clarify some of the ambiguities of the National Ministerial Handbook that has lead to such awkward and unwarranted press coverage over the last few years.
Of course, I know that the M&G cheekily published the 2007 Ministerial Handbook on their website a couple of weeks ago but what they didn't realise, the clowns, was that Richard Baloyi was in the process of preparing the Guide for the Re-evaluation of All VIP Employment Entitlements (GRAVEE) document. He had made it a priority to look into the issue ever since Blade Nzimande complained he was unable, under the existing overly-restrictive and bourgeois Handbook, to sufficiently customise his BMW 750i with all the necessities to properly serve the proletariat – like star-spoke chrome wheels and LCD screens in the head rests.
It’s fair to say that, despite pestering from a number of ministers, Mr. Baloyi just could not find the time to look into the document for about two years. ‘Better late than never’ is an ethos wholehearted embraced by many of our public servants (so much so, I’ve heard rumours that it was considered as the ANC election slogan) and in this spirit Mr. Baloyi made plans a few weeks ago to seriously look into the Ministerial Handbook issue.
First, he sought out an aide – someone who had intimate knowledge of the Handbook, especially the particularly restrictive bits, and who had a bit of time on his hands. Sicelo Shiceka was a natural choice.
Next they quarantined themselves in Mr. Shiceko’s medical carriage on the train where they promised to work relentlessly until a solution could be found. After ten minutes of hard labour they emerged, exhausted, with the new GRAVEE document in hand. In order to ensure that the Ministers would actually read it, it was limited to one page of bullet points – a Ministerial Cheat-sheet if you will.
Here are a few extracts:
With the new document Richard Baloyi is hoping clear up any misunderstandings so that everyone can feel secure in the fact that public funds are being spent in the best interests of the public at large and, of course, that our trusted public servants are not hindered in performing their duties due to excessive financial constraints.
** Please note that this entire entry (apart from the fact that a new Western Cape Ministerial Handbook has been released) is fictitious. Of course, Richard Baloyi has not released any revised Ministerial Handbook despite promising to look into the matter for some time now.
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| Richard Baloyi |
It’s fair to say that, despite pestering from a number of ministers, Mr. Baloyi just could not find the time to look into the document for about two years. ‘Better late than never’ is an ethos wholehearted embraced by many of our public servants (so much so, I’ve heard rumours that it was considered as the ANC election slogan) and in this spirit Mr. Baloyi made plans a few weeks ago to seriously look into the Ministerial Handbook issue.
First, he sought out an aide – someone who had intimate knowledge of the Handbook, especially the particularly restrictive bits, and who had a bit of time on his hands. Sicelo Shiceka was a natural choice.
Next they quarantined themselves in Mr. Shiceko’s medical carriage on the train where they promised to work relentlessly until a solution could be found. After ten minutes of hard labour they emerged, exhausted, with the new GRAVEE document in hand. In order to ensure that the Ministers would actually read it, it was limited to one page of bullet points – a Ministerial Cheat-sheet if you will.
Here are a few extracts:
“The following document seeks to clarify areas on uncertainly on the 2007 Ministerial Handbook. As such where there are any contradictions between the two, this document supersedes the Handbook.”
“Regarding motor vehicles, members are entitled to spend more than 70% of their salaries provided that the excess expenditure assists the member in the performance of their roles – like getting them somewhere quicker or keeping them entertained on the way”
“Regarding international travel, this will be considered to be in the National Interest if a member’s family/mistress/girlfriend is imprisoned in a foreign country, a member’s wife’s drug mule is threatened with imprisonment or there is a two-for-one sale at Louis Vuitton”
“Regarding the number of persons that may accompany a member on any local or international trip this will be strictly limited to the result of the roll of a pair of dice. The member is entitled to unlimited rolls.”
“Regarding accommodation, members are entitled to assume that at any time all hotels in any given city are fully booked except for the most expensive suites in the most expensive hotels.”
“Furthermore, members are prohibited from flying first-class except where the president's fleet of luxury private jets are being otherwise utilised.”
With the new document Richard Baloyi is hoping clear up any misunderstandings so that everyone can feel secure in the fact that public funds are being spent in the best interests of the public at large and, of course, that our trusted public servants are not hindered in performing their duties due to excessive financial constraints.
** Please note that this entire entry (apart from the fact that a new Western Cape Ministerial Handbook has been released) is fictitious. Of course, Richard Baloyi has not released any revised Ministerial Handbook despite promising to look into the matter for some time now.
