A royal affair

The Gravy Train had to make a detour to the Eastern Cape this Easter. It’s not a part of the country we get to visit often but everyone’s happy to make a bit of an exception for a wedding. And this one’s a royal wedding nogal. You must have heard of it: it’s been billed as the wedding of the year. No, no, not that one… I’m talking about the South African royal family: The house of Zuma.

I see how one could be confused: the similarities are astounding. For one, both families have a lot of money. And we’re not entirely sure where it comes from. Both families have a jet-set lifestyle, flitting from one exotic foreign location to another on their private jets yet we don’t really know what they do there. Both families have a myriad of cousins, second-cousins, nephews, nieces, aunts and uncles who also seem to have rather a lot of money and who seem to be involved in just about everything.

There are certainly some differences though. The other royal family have nothing on our royals when it comes to style. I’m sure they’ll end up trotting through London in some garish, jewel encrusted carriage that looks as if it’s about to transform back into a pumpkin at any moment. Our royals had a cavalcade of 12 Lamborghinis and a white rickshaw. And the bling? There were no fusty old crown jewels for our royals – they aren’t restricted by ridiculous traditions and rituals (except those that make handy excuses, huh, JZ?). No, our royal bride was sporting a brand new R1,5m diamond necklace custom-made for the event.

And the guests? They are the crème-de-la-crème of South African society, people of the highest calibre (literally in some cases). Many of them are passengers of our train: Fana “Bang Bang” Hlongwane, Khulubuse “The Beast” Zuma and Kenny “Sushi King” Kunene to name a few.

But all good parties must come to an end. The Gravy Train keeps on running and is showing no sign of stopping or slowing down any time soon. Keep an eye out for us – we’ll be coming to a town near you very soon.