Show me the Manyi

Jimmy Manyi may be one of the few of our political figures who is not riding the Gravy Train (and by definition therefore not worthy of mention in this blog) but his recent utterances certainly merit comment and, not wanting to disappoint my loyal readers (hi mom), I shall oblige.

In order to at least honour the purpose of this blog, mention must first be made of Mr. Manyi's Gravy Train credentials (or lack thereof). This is certainly not for a lack of effort on his part. For someone generally considered to be fairly intelligent (at least compared to some of our prominent political figures) he has found it rather difficult to turn political influence into profit. This is something JuJu has no trouble with and, considering he failed woodwork, he's clearly not the sharpest tool in the... well, you know. Mr. Manyi holds the rare honour of being one of the very few political figures who have been held to account by the ruling party on allegations of impropriety. This on it's own must surely prove his guilt. He was sacked as the DG of Labour after his good intentioned offers to help grease the wheels of some BEE deals for the Norwegian embassy were misconstrued and the Norwegians complained. Smarty pants should have known better - Norwegians are probably the least corrupt people on the planet - he should have used JuJu's tactics and stuck with Limpopo.

That left the ANC with a problem of where to deploy him - someone of his intellect could surely be useful in some other position. Besides, he's also a friend of Grand Master Zuma. Of all his talents, very few would count diplomacy amongst them - his suggestion that coloureds should leave Cape Town and his joke about Indians bargaining their way to the top probably did more harm to the ANC's election campaign than anything JuJu ever said - so it made perfect sense for him to be recruited as government spokesman. The media must have been elated.

And they had good reason to be. Just last week Mr. Manyi threatened to centralise the government's advertising budget under his control and only to use this R1-billion a year to advertise in those publications that fully and 'accurately' reported the government's message. That's a lot of money to have under one person's control. Hmmm... If I were a sceptical man I might wonder if Mr. Manyi knew anyone who owned a paper. Maybe someone close to Zuma? Maybe it's all his idea?

Now today he came up with another great idea: the government would make a five part TV series to be aired on National television. Heck, it couldn't be worse than Isidingo. If he's looking for ideas on what format the show might take, might I suggest a reality TV show? They're all the rage at the moment. How about an Apprentice-style show where people vie for the latest government contract. It could be called "Show me the Manyi". I would even subscribe to Top TV to see Kenny Kunene eat a Parktowm prawn off a half-naked model on "I'm a tenderpreneur, get me outa here". Or how about a few episodes for Cribs. I've heard so much about Zuma, Shiceka, Cele and the Mpisane's pads, I would love to have a look. Or Khulubuse Zuma could attempt to lose some weight for "The Biggest Loser" but then we all know who the real losers in this sorry affair are.

REFERENCES
Manyi's next onslaught

Slumdog Billionaire or is something fishy with Mr Sushi?

Kenny Kunene

Mr. Kenny Kunene is the next Gravy Train passenger I would like to introduce you to. He's drawn the ire of a lot of people, like Zwelenzima Vavi. But, let's face it, who cares who you tick off when you're not only mates mates with the current president but with the future president as well: Julius Malema even held Mr. Sushi up as a model for the youth of the country. They should all get rich off the coffers of government according to the Youth League leader.

But really, all the hullabaloo in the papers about Mr. Kunene is absolutely uncalled for. Isn't it ridiculous how the media have been gunning for him ever since he ate sushi off some half-naked models? Mr. Kunene is one of the most important passengers on the Gravy Train where at least we appreciate that it's only whether one has a lot of money - and not where it came from - that matters.

Mr. Kunene is a self made millionaire (much like Roux Shabangu) who has helped make the New South Africa the success it is and just goes to prove that, in this New South Africa, all one needs to drag oneself up from the gutter and turn oneself into a success is some hard work, a bit of charisma and a little help from one's friends.  Mr. Kunene's rags to riches tale is one so incredible that it would be considered too far fetched even for a Bollywood script.

He grew up in poverty, got mixed up with the wrong crowd and later became embroiled in a world of gangs and crime, eventually landing in jail for fraud. There he met his future business partner, Gayton McKenzie, who was serving time for armed robbery.

The two crooks first made money selling Mr. McKenzie's autobiography to schools in the western cape before hitting the big time with Central Rand Gold. The company, listed in London and Johannesburg, has had in excess of R1-billion pumped in by shareholders and on the back of Mr. McKenzie and Mr. Kunene's ability to arrange mining rights fast they ended up as directors of the company - even though they are disqualified as being directors by the Companies Act. The company has since squandered it's money on excessive salaries and payments for dubious consultants and now is set to close. But Mr. Sushi and friends have found a buyer for their services in Gold Fields, one of South Africa's oldest companies.

Nowadays he's known for his nightclubs and the lavish parties he throws - his R700 000 birthday bash, the Mpisane's R1-million vow renewal bash and of course President Zuma's daughter's wedding bash - but it was on the Gravy Train in the early days of his success that he first tried the techiques that he has so well honed since. Luckily his parties have improved since the days when we ate sausage rolls off the hairy belly of Kobus our train driver.

REFERENCES
The man who dares SA to question his millions
Malema backs sushi tycoons
How a Joburg “gold mine” ate $200m in cash
Gold Fields, an advocate and two convicted criminals
How sushi king went from Mr Price to Mr Pricey

Even with his immense wealth and Lamborghinis, he remains a man of the people and is always ready to give back to the community. Only recently, at the final ANC municipal election rally he was giving out R100 notes to people in the crowd.

Kenny Kunene is proof that, even in this cynical day and age, fairy tales do still come true.

ELECTIONS: 129 Councillors have to walk home

Elections time is always a tense time on the Gravy Train – there’s always the risk for some of our passengers that their ticket will be revoked. Preparations started many weeks back when we asked Glen Agliotti if we could make use of some of his ‘heavies’. You see some of our more reluctant passengers may need a little persuasion to leave.

There’s only so much brute-force can achieve however: heaven knows how we will evict Khulubuse Zuma from the train should the need ever arise – the doors are only so wide. Thankfully, he is comfortably entrenched in his cabin and he’s in no danger of losing his free ride any time soon.

As I type, 129 ward councillors from the ANC have lost their seats, and with this all their Gravy Train privileges – you know, the cushy salary, easy hours, tenderpreneur opportunities and of course, the snack bar. For them, the next stop is the end of the line and they will be politely ejected. They will have to walk home.

New tickets will then be issued to all those who have won those seats and they will have the opportunity to take ride on this prestigious train. Whether they will take up that offer or not is up to them. Hell, if I’m blunt I hope they knuckle down and do some work for a change, we need all the space we can get - the train’s busy enough as it is.

WEEKLY ROUNDUP: 16 May 2011

There are so many stories of corruption and crass profiteering doing the rounds it's hard to keep up. Even the Gravy Train passengers get confused. So in a new weekly column, which I will endevour to deliver more promptly in future, I will try and summarise the week's top performers.  of course with the corruption at the levels it is, it's easy to overlook the odd story.  Please feel free to direct my attention towards anything I may have missed with a comment.  Also, in the spirit of the times, I have to warn you that if you don't read the rest of this blog, your ancestors will be royally pissed.

How to get mega-rich in 5 easy steps

1. Start a company and call it something snappy like Imperial Crown Trading 289.
2. Get a girlfriend who works in the Department of Mineral affairs.
3. Buy her flowers.
4. Ask her to arrange for your company to win the much sought after stake in Shisen Mine.
5. Get AcelorMittal to buy your company for R800-million. (Business Day 12 May 2011)

Getting their shit together

Tokyo Sexwale

Toyko Sexwale has vowed to investigate the Rammulotsi toilet saga, which just goes to prove that the only time anything ever gets done is when the faecal stench is wafted across the country by the media just before an election. But with the mayor and the municipality’s chief whip being accused of profiting from the tenders to build the unenclosed toilets, this is pong is going to with us for a while. (M&G 14 May 2011)

Maybe not quite so squeaky clean after all

Millions of Rands unaccounted for, accusations of impropriety and the Public Protector investigating. Sounds like just another ANC-run municipality? Except this is Midvaal, the DA’s Gauteng jewel. Baseless accusations or proof that corruption is endemic? (M&G 13 May 2011)

They're making a killing in North West

On Friday the M&G reported on the suspicious murder of a Rustenburg councilor, Moss Phakoe, after he had provided information of corruption with the municipality to Cooperative Governance Minister Sicelo Shiceka. The report details the awarding of the contract for the outsourcing of the Rustenburg Kloof Holiday Resort and Conference Centre to a company owned by the friend of the then executive mayor. With all the allegations of corruption in local government, which Mr. Shiceka was supposed to investigated it’s no wonder he’s suffering from burn out.

TCM don’t need a project plan in Ekurhuleni

If you were to get someone to design and install a new computer network for your municipality (we all have one don’t we?) who would you get? Option A - IBM, a company that’s been in existence since 1911, holds more patents than any other U.S.-based technology company, has nine research laboratories worldwide and is synonymous with the development of computing as we know it today, or option B - TCM, who… aaahh… wait… who are TCM?

Well, Ekurhuleni municipality chose TCM, who quoted three times as much as IBM incidentally. When the auditors came sniffing, they found something didn’t smell right (no surprises there) and the police are due to come a-calling for five senior officials involved. (Saturday Star 14 May 2011)

ANALYSIS: The 'dodgy' property deals

Last Sunday The Sunday Times reported that the Department of Public Works had called for tenders for Durban Police Headquarters despite an ongoing investigation by the Public Protector, Thuli Madonsela, into the previous lease agreement. The previous agreement fell through when the building was bought by someone else.

But why is this lease so controversial? Well, the main reason is that these leases were signed without having gone to tender, which is in contravention of state procurement policies. The other big reason is that they are simply a rip-off. Property is a long-term investment and one would presumable expect it to pay itself off over a long period of time. These deals though result in massive paybacks very quickly. Let's Analyse.

Old Durban agreement (TransnetTowers)

The original agreement to lease Transnet Towers, a ‘shabby’ building in the Durban CBD had a monthly rental of R4,7-million with an annual 10% escalation. This works out to a total lease value of R900-million.

Roux Shabangu was not actually able to buy the building and it was sold to someone else for R15,8-million, only slightly more than three months rental.

Let’s draw a picture…

So, on the graph above, the column on the left shows the value of the lease (money into Mr. Shabangu’s pocket) and the column on the right shows the value of the building (money out). Clearly this would have made Mr. Shabangu very rich.  Unfortunately for him, it fell through.

New Durban agreement (Redefine Towers)

We don’t yet know how much Mr. Shabangu paid for this building - because he hasn’t bought this one yet. Neither do we know much about the lease but according to the Sunday Times, Mr. Shabangu was asking R127/m² and according to Redefine’s 2010 annual report, the building has 46 282m² of lettable space. With a 10% escalation we get a lease value of… mmm… aahhh… yes… R1,1 billion!

But what is the building worth? Well according, again, to Redefine’s own Annual Report for 2010, the building is worth R113-million.

Let’s look at those towers again… Yes this one is definitely not as good a deal as the last one, Mr. Shabangu.

Two other points I would like to make:

• First, if Mr. Shabangu is able to buy the building for the R113-million that Redefine themselves claim it is worth, he will have bond repayments of R1,1-million a month. The police will be paying him R5,8-million in lease payments every month. That’s a pretty good profit.

• Secondly, the average gross rental for the building currently is only R87/m² compared to the R127/m² Mr. Shabangu wants to charge.

Pretoria Building (Middestad)

This agreement, which has caused the greatest stir, is the least profitable of them all. Mr. Shabangu bought the building for R220-million but got a bond from Nedbank for R320-million. That gives Mr. Shabangu a nice round R100-million up front to spend on whatever he wishes. Of course he’ll have to spend quite a lot fixing the building up because from what I’ve seen it could do with some work. And with all the back-handers he’s gonna have to pay out, he may not be left with very much after all.

SEE ALSO
A tale of two cities, some farms and a police station
REFERENCES
Redefine's Annual Reports

Thereafter, the Police will pay him R3,3-million a month for the privilege of using his building while he will pay Nedbank R3,1-million a month for buying it for him.  Not much profit at all for the poor guy. He will have to wait until the tenth year when the rental will escalate to R7,4-million a month before this deal pays as well as the Durban one.

A tale of two cities, some farms and a police station

***This is the second time I'm posting this - Blogger crashed and this post was lost!***

We at the Gravy Train are very pleased with the new Gautrain, especially the station in Sandton, as this now allows us to provide our passengers with all the luxuries to which they have grown accustomed but with more convenience. Until the Gautrain had been completed, our passengers had to catch the train at Park Station in Braamfontein. Now I don’t have anything against the Johannesburg CBD per se – it’s just that in the last few years it has become rather tatty and recently it seems to be occupied by the worst scum imaginable – artists and hippies.

Roux Shabangu

It’s a sad state of affairs – this urban decay – and it’s a pattern that is replicated in city centres across the country. One has to take one’s hat off to those most enterprising of folks who have put so much time and effort into breathing life back into our city centres – people like Roux Shabangu.

Mr. Shabangu is a real revelation – someone who has dedicated himself to rebuilding our country. He has grown from selling mielie meal into one of South Africa’s most successful property developers. So what if he’s a close friend of the president? Where would we all be without a little help from our friends?

Not all of his ventures have been successful, though. He once tried to buy farms claiming to have a mandate from the government but the deals fell through and some estate agents lost a fortune – but who feels any sympathy for them anyway? He’s also being investigated by the Hawks in relation to a payment of R10-million that the Land Bank can’t explain. But how should he be held accountable for their lack of record-keeping? I won't even go into the details on the R20-million police Station in Mpumalanga that never got built.

It’s the lease agreements where he stands to contribute the most to society. This is where he will almost single-handedly turn decrepit old buildings in some of the worse parts of town into property jewels charging top flight rentals.

Of course, he will make some money on it - he stands to rake in R100m up front on the lease of the Middestad building in Pretoria and after 20 years, the police will have very kindly paid it off for him.

He would have only needed three months of rental to pay off the Durban property he was due to lease to the Police. This ridiculously profitable deal was scuppered by only one thing – somebody else bought the building before he did. So he’s trying again – he’s considered the preferred bidder for the new Durban Police HQ lease even though he doesn’t yet own the building. He may not make the killing he was hoping for now that the current owners know how much the lease is worth however.

REFERENCES
Hard work got me here
Omstrede ryke ‘koop plase vir die staat op’
Roux Shabangu and the Land Bank loot
Roux's R20m bungle
Property tycoon Roux Shabangu has hit the jackpot
Police building deal back on track

Roux’s got a raw deal in the press lately with the furore over the lease agreements for the police headquarters making headline news and even the Public Protector getting her grubby fingers all over everything. It’s so unfortunate that those that try to help to make South Africa a better place are treated with such contempt by the media and society at large. Okay, so he stands to make a ton of money but who ever said philanthropy should not be profitable as well?

Zuma, the Grand Master

I don’t know about you but I have never been one for chess. Moving small chiselled pieces around a chequered board has always seemed a little unnecessary for me – and hardly great entertainment. I find there are many other activities that keep me entertained. For a good laugh, there’s little to beat watching the evening news – although I do have a strange sense of humour. I’m not sure how our president enjoys chess but I suspect he would be rather good at it if he gave it a try.

Jacob Zuma

Let’s face it, most of us view our president as a bit of a dim, bald Casanova. Personally, I imagine him at the G20 summits, World Economic Conferences and various other shindigs that those in power tend to congregate at spending less time paying any attention to any of the serious discussions and a little more time checking out the ladies. I can imagine him leaning across and seducing Angela Merkel with goat herding tales from his youth during debates on the effects of global warming on developing economies, all the while nonchalantly resting a hand on her knee.

This is, I am sure, a misconception, and one which Mr. Zuma uses to his own advantage. The skilful way in which he manoeuvred himself out of standing trial for the arms deal irregularities testifies to his understanding of the system, how to circumvent its controls and the enormous loyalty he enjoys with those whom he carefully deployed in key positions. It’s a story that books have been written about and there’s certainly no space to go into the details here.

Recently, Bheki Cele has caught a fair amount of flack for the property deals in Pretoria and Durban. The media have been eager to see his name dragged through the mud and the opposition have jumped at the opportunity to call for his head. But I wonder if he was not merely another pawn – a minion – in the grand scheme designed by Mr. Zuma.

Let’s consider the facts:

• After the Public Protector was asked to investigate the deals, she instructed that the agreements be put on hold until the investigation had been completed. The Minister of Public Works, Geoff Doidge, did exactly that.
• Shortly thereafter he was relieved of his position by Mr. Zuma and a new Minister of Public Works, Gwen Mahlangu-Nkabinde, was appointed in his place.
• One of her first actions was to re-institute the lease agreement for the Pretoria building in contravention of the Public Protector’s instructions.
• The original lease agreement for the Durban building fell through on the small technicality that Shabangu didn’t actually own the building.
• Not one to be upset by such small set backs, Mrs. Mahlangu-Nkabinde immediately put the lease to tender again. Roux Shabangu again seems to be the frontrunner to win this one for twice the rental for the Police’s current building.
• When the Public Protector came back with the results of the investigation, i.e. that the lease was illegal, it was all but ignored and no action has yet been taken.

The Public Protector will find it very hard to hold anyone to account – she can approach the NPA and ask for charges to be raised but Menzi Simelane is a Zuma stooge; Cele is involved in the whole affair so the police won’t be interested… if only we had an independent crime fighting unit – just like that envisaged in the constitution… Oh, yes… what ever happened to them?

See what I mean? Zuma has shuffled all the pieces around the board and left us with very little room to move. He only has one or two more moves left to make – the Protection of information bill and a Media Tribunal are dangerously draconian measures which would make it impossible for the media to report on any of these issues without serious repercussions – and it will be checkmate.

---

In other news…

REFERENCES
Police building deal back on track
The SAPS and the 'dodgy' office deal
Free-spending Shiceka's head is set to roll

Sicelo Shiceka may well have his comeuppance after all. After lying on his CV, wasting huge wads of cash on trips to Switzerland to visit his girlfriend in jail, building himself a mansion in an impoverished part of the Eastern Cape and getting service delivery the fellow residents could only dream of, generally not doing a very good job and making the entire government under Zuma look even more inept and corrupt than they already did by getting all this splashed all over the papers, he’s finally ticked Zuma off: by naming Cape Town as the best run municipality. I’m glad to see that Zuma has his priorities straight. I hope that Zille has taken full advantage of this gift from the ANC government – we’re unlikely to see a DA-run municipality win anything from the government again, even if they are the only municipalities that are not bankrupt.

Of course you're innocent, Sheryl

Presumed innocent, until proven guilty: the central pillar on which our entire legal system rests. In the case of the passengers on our Gravy Train, however, they should probably be presumed guilty… until proved guilty, that is. Yes, one of our passengers has again been dragged out and flogged in public… metaphorically speaking, of course.

Sheryl and Siyabonga were one of the less showy of the couples on the train (unlike the Mpisanes) but unbeknownst to everyone were quietly accumulating their own gravy reserves on the side. Credit has to go to Sheryl too, she was incredibly entrepreneurial – everyone else just gets the government to give them their money – she went out and earned it. Almost like an honest living!

Of course, you don’t get on the Gravy Train without a little help from your friends (or family) and Sheryl is no different. She somehow got her position as Director (of Health and Community Services, nogal!) even though she applied late – which probably didn’t matter since she didn’t bother to complete an application form. I suppose the surname and a reference from hubby – then Chairperson of the ANC in the area – would suffice. She certainly didn’t meet the Department’s minimum requirements.

She had a good working relationship with her colleagues. Probably because she was there so seldom! She was off work for more than four months between March 2009 and her arrest in January 2010 and when she did bother to go to work she arrived late, left early and sometimes didn’t go back after lunch.

Then there’s the question of motive. Why, when she was earning a salary of more than 700 grand and hubby earned R1,8 million, would she have to resort to criminality – at least such blatant criminality? Well, dear reader, if you ask that, you clearly do not understand the workings of the Gravy Train.

Naturally, Siyabonga knew nothing about it. He was far too busy with his day job as Minister of Safety and Security chasing bad guys all over the country. How could he be expected to know Sheryl’s dealing drugs at home? Who’d look there?

Sheryl’s appealing the verdict. As I was saying it’s innocent until proven guilty in our judicial system. But we know better, don’t we Sheryl?

Minister mum as wife faces drugs rap
Family trips show a very married Mr and Mrs Cwele
Sheryl Cwele sentenced to 12 years
Contract renewed twice despite incompetence ruling

EXCLUSIVE: Ministerial Handbook clarified!

Coinciding with the release of the DA’s Western Cape Ministerial Handbook, I can exclusively reveal that work has been completed on a document that will seek to clarify some of the ambiguities of the National Ministerial Handbook that has lead to such awkward and unwarranted press coverage over the last few years.

Richard Baloyi

Of course, I know that the M&G cheekily published the 2007 Ministerial Handbook on their website a couple of weeks ago but what they didn't realise, the clowns, was that Richard Baloyi was in the process of preparing the Guide for the Re-evaluation of All VIP Employment Entitlements (GRAVEE) document. He had made it a priority to look into the issue ever since Blade Nzimande complained he was unable, under the existing overly-restrictive and bourgeois Handbook, to sufficiently customise his BMW 750i with all the necessities to properly serve the proletariat – like star-spoke chrome wheels and LCD screens in the head rests.

It’s fair to say that, despite pestering from a number of ministers, Mr. Baloyi just could not find the time to look into the document for about two years. ‘Better late than never’ is an ethos wholehearted embraced by many of our public servants (so much so, I’ve heard rumours that it was considered as the ANC election slogan) and in this spirit Mr. Baloyi made plans a few weeks ago to seriously look into the Ministerial Handbook issue.

First, he sought out an aide – someone who had intimate knowledge of the Handbook, especially the particularly restrictive bits, and who had a bit of time on his hands. Sicelo Shiceka was a natural choice.

Next they quarantined themselves in Mr. Shiceko’s medical carriage on the train where they promised to work relentlessly until a solution could be found. After ten minutes of hard labour they emerged, exhausted, with the new GRAVEE document in hand. In order to ensure that the Ministers would actually read it, it was limited to one page of bullet points – a Ministerial Cheat-sheet if you will.

Here are a few extracts:

“The following document seeks to clarify areas on uncertainly on the 2007 Ministerial Handbook. As such where there are any contradictions between the two, this document supersedes the Handbook.”

“Regarding motor vehicles, members are entitled to spend more than 70% of their salaries provided that the excess expenditure assists the member in the performance of their roles – like getting them somewhere quicker or keeping them entertained on the way”

“Regarding international travel, this will be considered to be in the National Interest if a member’s family/mistress/girlfriend is imprisoned in a foreign country, a member’s wife’s drug mule is threatened with imprisonment or there is a two-for-one sale at Louis Vuitton”

“Regarding the number of persons that may accompany a member on any local or international trip this will be strictly limited to the result of the roll of a pair of dice. The member is entitled to unlimited rolls.”

“Regarding accommodation, members are entitled to assume that at any time all hotels in any given city are fully booked except for the most expensive suites in the most expensive hotels.”

“Furthermore, members are prohibited from flying first-class except where the president's fleet of luxury private jets are being otherwise utilised.”

REFERENCES
New Ministerial Handbook to Curb Spending
The Elusive Ministerial Handbook

With the new document Richard Baloyi is hoping clear up any misunderstandings so that everyone can feel secure in the fact that public funds are being spent in the best interests of the public at large and, of course, that our trusted public servants are not hindered in performing their duties due to excessive financial constraints.

** Please note that this entire entry (apart from the fact that a new Western Cape Ministerial Handbook has been released) is fictitious. Of course, Richard Baloyi has not released any revised Ministerial Handbook despite promising to look into the matter for some time now.

Houses, houses, big and small

It's Thursday now and many of us on the train are still recovering from the massive celebrations on the weekend. Wow! What a wedding! One would think we would be able to handle all the partying by now but it does become quite a drain after a while. Not all of us are as fit as we should be - I'm looking at you Khulubuse. It was only a few weeks ago that everyone was partying up a storm at the renewal of the Mpisanes' wedding vows and Sbu's 40th birthday bash.

You must know the Mpisanes: they are amongst the highest achievers on the train – we are very proud of them. They have been getting a lot of mileage in the press too. We all appreciate the publicity.

You see Shauwn (that's the wife) is the daughter of the late Florence Mkhize. Florence was the chairperson of the eThekwini Municipality Housing Committee. Of course I am sure that it’s purely coincidental that Shauwn’s company Zikhulise Cleaning and Transport has won numerous tenders to build houses and schools from the eThekwini municipality. There have been some problems with the houses though: houses were demolished as they were unsafe and many more are in a poor state; Residents are demanding more houses be rebuilt; Many of them still don’t have water or sanitation years after moving in.

The media and the opposition parties are so hard on Shauwn. Don’t they realize it’s very difficult to be able to turn massive profits from such cheap housing? She’s had to cut every corner conceivable just to be able to scrape together enough money to buy her R15m house and her husband Sbu’s 30 supercars.

Now Sbu is another card. He was a key witness in the trial of the wealthy Mandla Gcaba while he was a Metro Police officer in Durban. Gcaba was accused of being involved in a shooting outside the High Court in Durban. Three people had died and six had been wounded. Sbu’s car was identified as the getaway vehicle – but he failed to testify and then disappeared. Later he started driving a Lamborghini to work! He has expanded his collection since so much that he and Shauwn bought the house next door, flattened it and built a garage for all his cars. Shauwn gave him a R1,8 million Maserati for his 40th birthday party.

Ah yes, the party… what a spectacle. It was Sbu’s 40th and the renewal of the couple’s wedding vows. A five day extravaganza that made Duduzile’s wedding bash look like Steve Hofmeyr night at the local karaoke. It apparently cost in excess of R1 million. They could have saved R30k though, as kwaito star Professor didn’t even bother to pitch after they had paid him. The couple wore Egyptian themed outfits – as Sbu said, they are a couple who like class.

After all this partying we’re not sure what the rest of the year holds in store. If it carries on like this we’re going to need liver transplants. And it’s so much harder to jump the queue since Dr Manto Tshabalala-Msimang passed on. Oh well, we will just have to struggle through. Amandla! Viva The Gravy Train! Viva!

January 2010 The mystery of Mpisane millions
March 2010 Taxman confiscates R17m in cars
April 2010 Mpisane houses need 'rectification'
August 2010 Mpisane houses demolished
January 2011 Residents’ hopes go down the toilet
March 2011 Love me tenders...
March 2011 Housing Scandals in Durban
26 March No expense spared for glitzy bash

A royal affair

The Gravy Train had to make a detour to the Eastern Cape this Easter. It’s not a part of the country we get to visit often but everyone’s happy to make a bit of an exception for a wedding. And this one’s a royal wedding nogal. You must have heard of it: it’s been billed as the wedding of the year. No, no, not that one… I’m talking about the South African royal family: The house of Zuma.

I see how one could be confused: the similarities are astounding. For one, both families have a lot of money. And we’re not entirely sure where it comes from. Both families have a jet-set lifestyle, flitting from one exotic foreign location to another on their private jets yet we don’t really know what they do there. Both families have a myriad of cousins, second-cousins, nephews, nieces, aunts and uncles who also seem to have rather a lot of money and who seem to be involved in just about everything.

There are certainly some differences though. The other royal family have nothing on our royals when it comes to style. I’m sure they’ll end up trotting through London in some garish, jewel encrusted carriage that looks as if it’s about to transform back into a pumpkin at any moment. Our royals had a cavalcade of 12 Lamborghinis and a white rickshaw. And the bling? There were no fusty old crown jewels for our royals – they aren’t restricted by ridiculous traditions and rituals (except those that make handy excuses, huh, JZ?). No, our royal bride was sporting a brand new R1,5m diamond necklace custom-made for the event.

And the guests? They are the crème-de-la-crème of South African society, people of the highest calibre (literally in some cases). Many of them are passengers of our train: Fana “Bang Bang” Hlongwane, Khulubuse “The Beast” Zuma and Kenny “Sushi King” Kunene to name a few.

But all good parties must come to an end. The Gravy Train keeps on running and is showing no sign of stopping or slowing down any time soon. Keep an eye out for us – we’ll be coming to a town near you very soon.

The peasants are revolting!

We had quite a scare on the train today; I must tell you about it! We made an unscheduled stop in Ingquza Hill, Sicelo Shiceka's home town, to allow Mr Shiceka to check on the progress of his mansion... I mean, to check on the progress of his road... I mean the public road built for everyone that happens to run past his house. Sheesh, it's better than the excuse he gave to visit his girlfriend in jail in Switzerland!

As we stopped in the town, the train was surrounded by an angry mob with pitchforks and burning stakes. They were clearly angry about something but were just unable to clearly express their frustration in any civilised manner. We all assumed it was the ANC Youth League returning from Zululand and were about to open the doors to let them on when they started chanting for mr Shiceko's head on a stick. It's fair to say we were all a little surprised at that point - we know Julius and co can be a little unpredictable at times but this was going overboard.

Their leader then approached the train and repeated his call for a Shiceka skewer. We then realized these were the local peasants. And they were revolting!? I mean, this is the 21st century, not the Dark Ages. Although, I must admit, looking out on the village of dirt streets, with no running water or electricity and surrounded by the abject poverty, there was certainly a resemblance.

We tried explaining to them that pre-election promises of houses, roads, electricity and water would be fulfilled eventually – except that the houses were being built, electrified and watered one house at a time. It was just that mr Shiceka’s happened to the first on the list, purely by coincidence of course.

REFERENCE
Villagers threaten 'massive revolt' against Shiceka

Clearly they were in no mood for rational dialogue and started attacking the train. Bheki Cele came to the rescue and volunteered to try and calm the protestors. He said he would use all his diplomatic skills to ensure that the situation was resolved as quickly as possible and in the most peaceful manner. After the shooting died down and the protestors had fled, we closed the door and the train pulled off, with all on board resolving never to return to this horrible place. Mr Shiceka was welcome to visit as often as he liked but from now on he would have to travel with his VIP protection in his 10-car cavalcade up the road built expressly for the purpose.

Shiceka sets the pace

We were extremely impressed today to see Mr. Shiceka on the front page of the Sunday Times for the second week in a row! And all this while Mr. Shiceka has been recovering in our medical carriage. This remarkable performance has even impressed Bheki Cele who has resolved to work much harder in the face of this unexpected competition.

Therefore in celebration and as a reward to Mr. Shiceka, he will be the first to have his score calculated and added to our Roll of Honour.

Trip to Switzerland to visit girlfriend (4 points)
plus: 1 point for assistant
plus: BONUS point because girlfriend was in jail for drug smuggling!

Stays at One&Only in Cape Town (7 points)
plus: 1 point for staff
plus: 1 point for Sangoma

Flights in SA (2 points)
plus: 1 point for giving all the family a go as well

Spending his full allowance of two luxury cars (2 points)

Living like an emperor amongst the poverty of Ingquza Hill (5 points for sheer audacity!)

Being on sick leave for over a month, blaming his absence on having too much work, expecting someone else to cover for him and giving no indication of when he will see fit to return to work (5 points for arrogance!)

Claiming to have a master's degree in political economy when he didn't (2 points for the cheek)

Allowing his girlfriend to use a government vehicle for shopping (1 point)

Throwing a birthday party for his mum and getting us to pay (1 point)

Failing to investigate irregular financial transactions amounting to R1,8m in his department (all from his office) (2 points)

Out judging panel all agree: that is a strong effort from Mr. Shiceka. He certainly sets the pace. A massive 34 points sets a very tough level for our fellow passengers to aim for. No doubt we have some strong contenders and they will be inspired by Mr. Shiceka's performance so watch this space.

Watch this space as we will put more of our passengers through their paces in the coming days and weeks.

Shiceka builds emperor's palace in SA's poorest village
Shiceka: Hey big spender

The Gravy Train doesn't stop at Ficksburg

Andries Tatane was killed during a service delivery protest in Ficksburg yesterday. Nathi Mthethwa has urged the country to wait for the results of a full investigation into the incident before jumping to conclusions. This is ridiculous. We are all able to see the violent and brutal way in which the police clamped down on the protestors from the footage aired on SABC news. We could all see the police surrounding and beating Mr Tatane. We don't need investigators to tell us that the police acted with excessive force. Surely the minister could admit to this much instead of sticking his head in the ground and pretending it did not happen?

Sadly, this sort of incident is all too common and it's only the fact that it was filmed and broadcast that sets it apart from the many other police crimes. The Independent Complaints Directorate (ICD) has admitted that the 6 375 cases it investigated in 2009/10 does probably not even cover the full spectre of police criminality. This includes crimes as such as rape, murder, and assault with intent, allegedly carried out by police officers on citizens who, in some instances, had turned to the police to protect them.

It's no surprise that the Police are getting more and more brutal. The culture of shoot first, ask questions later has been championed by Bheki Cele. There were warnings that the militarisation of the police ranks could turn back to clock to an Apartheid-style policing. Fikile Mbalula (then Deputy Police Minister) encouraged Police to "Shoot the bastards". He also said it was inevitable that "innocent people are going to die" in the battles between Police and criminals.

The irony is that only a day before, during the presentation to National Assembly Mthethwa said that this was to be "the year of the good cop". When DA MP Diane Kohler-Barnard crisiced the Police, saying that they had begun a slow and relentless meltdown, he lambasted her, saying she was "deluded", "living in her own world... People who comment like you... will not distract the police from what they do". Clearly it is you, Mr Mthethwa, who is deluded if you believe that our South African Police Service is not completely dysfunctional. How many more people will have to die at the hands of the Police before you, or the public who voted you in to your position, realise that.

Somehow those in charge of the Police seem blatanly unaware of the problems with the service. How is this possible? Are the trappings of the Gravy Train proving too much of a distraction? Too much time spent in Luxury hotels (Mr Mthethwa)? Lavish weddings in Pennington and dodgy rental agreements (Mr Cele)?

The Gravy Train doesn't stop in Ficksburg - there's not much demand for our services there. No wonder these things can go unnoticed. Choo Choo.

We saw our friend die
Mthethwa rubbishes Kohler-Barnard's claims
Remilitarisation of the Police
Diane Kholer-Barnard's Speech on Police Budget (May 2010)
Shoot the bastards - Fikile Mbalula

Planes, Trains and Deatheaters

We had quite a scare the other day on our Gravy Train. I have never seen MPs running so quickly; I thought it was part of Bheki Cele's 'stomach in chest out' Boot Camp style physical training exercises until I heard the blood curdling screams. The train shook as Khulubuse Zuma ran past and though he was out of breath from the brief bout of physical exertion, he was able to wheeze out a panicked warning about Deatheaters on the train. I assumed indigestion was causing him hallucinations again until Bheki Cele drew his weapon and started firing at a dark, cloaked creature gliding through the carriage toward us. "Deatheaters", I thought. "This isn't the Hogwarts' express and there's no Harry Potter on this train! This is the Gravy Train, damn it! And if we were to let cold-blooded, pasty-faced, blood sucking witches on to this train Helen Zille would have got on a long time ago!"

As the creature got closer, it lifted the hood from over its face and its long, drawn features and wild hair, which seemed to have a life of its own, were visible. It stared at us through its cold, evil eyes and we realised what we were facing. It was only Lindiwe Sisulu. It's seems the bullets had lodged in the bullet proof vest she was wearing. It was the latest technology from Denel, which Lindiwe said she was actively trying to sell to Gaddafi but was struggling to reach him for some reason.

Lindiwe Sisulu

REFERENCES
Sisulu defends VIP plane spending
No cash for SA air force to fly Gripens
Air force wanted to buy six vip jets

Minister Sisulu is officially the Minister of Defence but recently she has been coordinating our planned expansion into new markets. Yes, we're taking to the skies and we hope to launch the new Gravy Plane very soon. Well, by the sounds of things there will be a few planes. That's in addition to the Boeing Business Jet that was bought for Thabo Mkebi in 2001. Soon we will have a Gravy Plane fleet. The new planes will be leased for R800 million rand. Really it’s a drop in the ocean when one considers every thing else the budget is spent on – schools, housing, etc. – it could be lost in the rounding.

Some might say that in recessionary times as these some fiscal prudence could be called for. Maybe our VIPs could fly, like those in New Zealand & Denmark, on commercial airliners. They could even fly first class. Preposterous! Why how could anyone even contemplate flying on a commercial airliner - even in first class - after they have grown accustomed to the luxuries on the Gravy Train... and very soon the Gravy Plane.

Please take your seats and fasten your seat belts, as we taxi to the runway. And thank you for flying the Gravy Plane. Please come again.

Khulubuse Zuma at the trough again

That we have a lot of well connected people on this train goes without saying. Connections are vital for organising a ticket. Let's face it - the tickets are free but you need to know the right people to get one. It's not as if an education, class, skills or competence qualifies you for a ride on this train. And as far as connections go, our next passenger goes all the way to the top. You know, there are many fat cats on this train but few come fatter than this. Follow me to the dining carriage where we are sure to find Khulubuse Zuma (or Beast as we like to call him). Please, do try to keep your distance - there was an awful mix up last year when Beast bit off a bit more than he could chew from one of Kenny Kunene's famous sushi platters.

Khulubuse Zuma

You must know of him: he's is the president's nephew; he's a director of Aurora Empowerment systems with Zondwa Mandela (Madiba's grandson) and Michael Hulley (Jacob Zuma's lawyer) amongst many other dubious achievements. Aurora have been trying to buy two mines from the liquidated Pamodzi Gold since October 2009. They haven't been able to raise the finance but keep getting extentions from the liquidators (see what connections can do for you?) but in the meantime, they've stopped paying the workers, the mines have ground to a halt, they've stopped pumping acid mine water and the mines are being ransacked. Oh, yes, and the odd 'illegal miner' has been killed by their security guards.

One would think, with his financial troubles at Aurora, Beast would need to do a bit of, ahem, belt tightening. But the Gravy Train waits for no man and he recently pledged R1 million to the ANC at an fundraiser in a swanky hotel in Zimbali.

REFERENCES
R1m ANC pledge
Liquidator's reaction to Solidarity claims
Solidarity threatens legal action
Aurora funding extension
Aurora mine killings
Other deals

While he was gorging himself on the dessert tray, one Aurora employee chose to swallow ant poison instead. The poor fellow. Add another corpse to Beast's growing tally. Anyhow, there's always a silver lining as KZN provincial spokesperson Makhosi Khoza announced after the fundraiser: "The good news is that we want to confirm that we did have a good fundraising dinner".

Please stand away from the edge of the platform: the Gravy Train is coming through. Choo Choo!

Quiet please, Mr Shiceka is sleeping

Sicelo Shiceka

Our first passenger is Sicelo Shiceka.  You may know him as the Minister of Co-operative Governance and Traditional Affairs but he is just another passenger to us.  You must appreciate that all passengers on this train are entitled to the same exceptional service.

Please, we must ask that you remain quiet as the minister is currently in our medical carriage getting some much needed rest.  He's been there for the last month.  The people who catch this train often have very stressful lives and sometimes a little R&R is just what is needed.  We must stress that Mr Shiceka is an extreme case; his condition is so severe that we don't know when he will be up and about again.

You see, Mr Shiceka has quite outdone himself since boarding the train.  We hate to gossip about our esteemed passengers but Mr Shiceka has shown very little restraint in indulging in the luxuries we offer to our guests.  First class flights to Switzerland, staying in swanky hotels and limo rides; Such things are quite normal but Mr Shiceka partook in all the frivolity while visiting a girlfriend in jail in Switzerland.  All the while he was purporting to be on official World Cup business!  Why this is extraordinary behavior!  Even Mr Nyanda would be impressed!

But seriously, in nine months in 2009 he flew 183 times.  That's a flight every 1 and a half days!  How could one begrudge the minister a little time to recuperate?

Some of the old-timers just don't understand this.  We've seen them, you know, waiting at the stations patiently for the regular service when our Gravy Train pulls in.  They didn't get on board.  Not all of them anyway.  Somehow they seem to resent our passengers.  Why only last week Mr Asmal was shouting from the platform that Mr Shiceka should be thrown off, saying that since he was unable to perform someone else should take over his position.  Thrown off?  In his condition?  Ludicrous!  I had a quiet word with Mr Shiceka and he told me he intended to ride this train all the way to the end of the line.

Anyway... there are many more passengers for me to introduce you to.  Please follow me.

REFERENCES
Replace Shiceka if he can’t perform - Asmal
Minister splurges public money