Show me the Manyi

Jimmy Manyi may be one of the few of our political figures who is not riding the Gravy Train (and by definition therefore not worthy of mention in this blog) but his recent utterances certainly merit comment and, not wanting to disappoint my loyal readers (hi mom), I shall oblige.

In order to at least honour the purpose of this blog, mention must first be made of Mr. Manyi's Gravy Train credentials (or lack thereof). This is certainly not for a lack of effort on his part. For someone generally considered to be fairly intelligent (at least compared to some of our prominent political figures) he has found it rather difficult to turn political influence into profit. This is something JuJu has no trouble with and, considering he failed woodwork, he's clearly not the sharpest tool in the... well, you know. Mr. Manyi holds the rare honour of being one of the very few political figures who have been held to account by the ruling party on allegations of impropriety. This on it's own must surely prove his guilt. He was sacked as the DG of Labour after his good intentioned offers to help grease the wheels of some BEE deals for the Norwegian embassy were misconstrued and the Norwegians complained. Smarty pants should have known better - Norwegians are probably the least corrupt people on the planet - he should have used JuJu's tactics and stuck with Limpopo.

That left the ANC with a problem of where to deploy him - someone of his intellect could surely be useful in some other position. Besides, he's also a friend of Grand Master Zuma. Of all his talents, very few would count diplomacy amongst them - his suggestion that coloureds should leave Cape Town and his joke about Indians bargaining their way to the top probably did more harm to the ANC's election campaign than anything JuJu ever said - so it made perfect sense for him to be recruited as government spokesman. The media must have been elated.

And they had good reason to be. Just last week Mr. Manyi threatened to centralise the government's advertising budget under his control and only to use this R1-billion a year to advertise in those publications that fully and 'accurately' reported the government's message. That's a lot of money to have under one person's control. Hmmm... If I were a sceptical man I might wonder if Mr. Manyi knew anyone who owned a paper. Maybe someone close to Zuma? Maybe it's all his idea?

Now today he came up with another great idea: the government would make a five part TV series to be aired on National television. Heck, it couldn't be worse than Isidingo. If he's looking for ideas on what format the show might take, might I suggest a reality TV show? They're all the rage at the moment. How about an Apprentice-style show where people vie for the latest government contract. It could be called "Show me the Manyi". I would even subscribe to Top TV to see Kenny Kunene eat a Parktowm prawn off a half-naked model on "I'm a tenderpreneur, get me outa here". Or how about a few episodes for Cribs. I've heard so much about Zuma, Shiceka, Cele and the Mpisane's pads, I would love to have a look. Or Khulubuse Zuma could attempt to lose some weight for "The Biggest Loser" but then we all know who the real losers in this sorry affair are.

REFERENCES
Manyi's next onslaught

Houses, houses, big and small

It's Thursday now and many of us on the train are still recovering from the massive celebrations on the weekend. Wow! What a wedding! One would think we would be able to handle all the partying by now but it does become quite a drain after a while. Not all of us are as fit as we should be - I'm looking at you Khulubuse. It was only a few weeks ago that everyone was partying up a storm at the renewal of the Mpisanes' wedding vows and Sbu's 40th birthday bash.

You must know the Mpisanes: they are amongst the highest achievers on the train – we are very proud of them. They have been getting a lot of mileage in the press too. We all appreciate the publicity.

You see Shauwn (that's the wife) is the daughter of the late Florence Mkhize. Florence was the chairperson of the eThekwini Municipality Housing Committee. Of course I am sure that it’s purely coincidental that Shauwn’s company Zikhulise Cleaning and Transport has won numerous tenders to build houses and schools from the eThekwini municipality. There have been some problems with the houses though: houses were demolished as they were unsafe and many more are in a poor state; Residents are demanding more houses be rebuilt; Many of them still don’t have water or sanitation years after moving in.

The media and the opposition parties are so hard on Shauwn. Don’t they realize it’s very difficult to be able to turn massive profits from such cheap housing? She’s had to cut every corner conceivable just to be able to scrape together enough money to buy her R15m house and her husband Sbu’s 30 supercars.

Now Sbu is another card. He was a key witness in the trial of the wealthy Mandla Gcaba while he was a Metro Police officer in Durban. Gcaba was accused of being involved in a shooting outside the High Court in Durban. Three people had died and six had been wounded. Sbu’s car was identified as the getaway vehicle – but he failed to testify and then disappeared. Later he started driving a Lamborghini to work! He has expanded his collection since so much that he and Shauwn bought the house next door, flattened it and built a garage for all his cars. Shauwn gave him a R1,8 million Maserati for his 40th birthday party.

Ah yes, the party… what a spectacle. It was Sbu’s 40th and the renewal of the couple’s wedding vows. A five day extravaganza that made Duduzile’s wedding bash look like Steve Hofmeyr night at the local karaoke. It apparently cost in excess of R1 million. They could have saved R30k though, as kwaito star Professor didn’t even bother to pitch after they had paid him. The couple wore Egyptian themed outfits – as Sbu said, they are a couple who like class.

After all this partying we’re not sure what the rest of the year holds in store. If it carries on like this we’re going to need liver transplants. And it’s so much harder to jump the queue since Dr Manto Tshabalala-Msimang passed on. Oh well, we will just have to struggle through. Amandla! Viva The Gravy Train! Viva!

January 2010 The mystery of Mpisane millions
March 2010 Taxman confiscates R17m in cars
April 2010 Mpisane houses need 'rectification'
August 2010 Mpisane houses demolished
January 2011 Residents’ hopes go down the toilet
March 2011 Love me tenders...
March 2011 Housing Scandals in Durban
26 March No expense spared for glitzy bash

Shiceka sets the pace

We were extremely impressed today to see Mr. Shiceka on the front page of the Sunday Times for the second week in a row! And all this while Mr. Shiceka has been recovering in our medical carriage. This remarkable performance has even impressed Bheki Cele who has resolved to work much harder in the face of this unexpected competition.

Therefore in celebration and as a reward to Mr. Shiceka, he will be the first to have his score calculated and added to our Roll of Honour.

Trip to Switzerland to visit girlfriend (4 points)
plus: 1 point for assistant
plus: BONUS point because girlfriend was in jail for drug smuggling!

Stays at One&Only in Cape Town (7 points)
plus: 1 point for staff
plus: 1 point for Sangoma

Flights in SA (2 points)
plus: 1 point for giving all the family a go as well

Spending his full allowance of two luxury cars (2 points)

Living like an emperor amongst the poverty of Ingquza Hill (5 points for sheer audacity!)

Being on sick leave for over a month, blaming his absence on having too much work, expecting someone else to cover for him and giving no indication of when he will see fit to return to work (5 points for arrogance!)

Claiming to have a master's degree in political economy when he didn't (2 points for the cheek)

Allowing his girlfriend to use a government vehicle for shopping (1 point)

Throwing a birthday party for his mum and getting us to pay (1 point)

Failing to investigate irregular financial transactions amounting to R1,8m in his department (all from his office) (2 points)

Out judging panel all agree: that is a strong effort from Mr. Shiceka. He certainly sets the pace. A massive 34 points sets a very tough level for our fellow passengers to aim for. No doubt we have some strong contenders and they will be inspired by Mr. Shiceka's performance so watch this space.

Watch this space as we will put more of our passengers through their paces in the coming days and weeks.

Shiceka builds emperor's palace in SA's poorest village
Shiceka: Hey big spender