Where are the textbooks, Angie?

Okay so we know education is not exactly a priority for this ANC government.  Why would it be when all that's required to be President is a standard three education? Malema hasn't done too badly for himself either with a G in Woodwork.  Yup, the era of qualified lawyers and other educated professionals running our fine land has long gone.

So Angie Motshekga must have been pleased to land herself the pretty cushy and undemanding role of Minister of Basic Education.  "Basic Education," she must have thought.  "That can't be too hard!  As long as they can read 'ANC' and write X!"  Surely the department could just tick along merrily without any supervision from her?  That would allow her to sit back, put her feet up and gaze absentmindedly out the window of her Gravy Train compartment at all the truant school children (and teachers!) smoking tik on the pavement as they glided past her, just on the edge of her consciousness.

Angie on the Gravy Train?  Surely, you say, if she had profited unduly from her ministerial role in any way she would have splashed out on a little cosmetic dentistry for a start!  A compelling argument for sure but, I assure you, this Angie certainly has a bit of money in her coat.  She also has helped herself to a couple of luxury cars courtesy of you and I, which is certainly enough to qualify her to ride on this train.

Angie, you're beautiful, but ain't it time we said goodbye? 

Angie did her level best to remove herself from contention for a ministerial post in an earlier textbook-related mishap but previous performance is no obstacle to progress in the Zuma administration.  Besides, the comrades in fast cars that run our country had big plans for a loyal yet incompetent public servant.  Plans which Angie is now fulfilling extraordinarily well.

You see, it is well known to the ANC that an uneducated population is much easier to control.  It's a trick they learned from the the Apartheid government, which used education (or the lack thereof) as a weapon against the masses of this country in an attempt to keep them pliant and therefore less likely to rise up and overthrow their corrupt system.  In fact, running a banana republic is generally a lot easier if the population loses count after the third transition, (which on current trends is due to happen just before the elective conference after Mangaung).   It's a concept other bastions of democratic principle like Egypt, Libya and Syria had also adopted with zeal.

So Angie, where will you lead us from here?

Show me the Manyi

Jimmy Manyi may be one of the few of our political figures who is not riding the Gravy Train (and by definition therefore not worthy of mention in this blog) but his recent utterances certainly merit comment and, not wanting to disappoint my loyal readers (hi mom), I shall oblige.

In order to at least honour the purpose of this blog, mention must first be made of Mr. Manyi's Gravy Train credentials (or lack thereof). This is certainly not for a lack of effort on his part. For someone generally considered to be fairly intelligent (at least compared to some of our prominent political figures) he has found it rather difficult to turn political influence into profit. This is something JuJu has no trouble with and, considering he failed woodwork, he's clearly not the sharpest tool in the... well, you know. Mr. Manyi holds the rare honour of being one of the very few political figures who have been held to account by the ruling party on allegations of impropriety. This on it's own must surely prove his guilt. He was sacked as the DG of Labour after his good intentioned offers to help grease the wheels of some BEE deals for the Norwegian embassy were misconstrued and the Norwegians complained. Smarty pants should have known better - Norwegians are probably the least corrupt people on the planet - he should have used JuJu's tactics and stuck with Limpopo.

That left the ANC with a problem of where to deploy him - someone of his intellect could surely be useful in some other position. Besides, he's also a friend of Grand Master Zuma. Of all his talents, very few would count diplomacy amongst them - his suggestion that coloureds should leave Cape Town and his joke about Indians bargaining their way to the top probably did more harm to the ANC's election campaign than anything JuJu ever said - so it made perfect sense for him to be recruited as government spokesman. The media must have been elated.

And they had good reason to be. Just last week Mr. Manyi threatened to centralise the government's advertising budget under his control and only to use this R1-billion a year to advertise in those publications that fully and 'accurately' reported the government's message. That's a lot of money to have under one person's control. Hmmm... If I were a sceptical man I might wonder if Mr. Manyi knew anyone who owned a paper. Maybe someone close to Zuma? Maybe it's all his idea?

Now today he came up with another great idea: the government would make a five part TV series to be aired on National television. Heck, it couldn't be worse than Isidingo. If he's looking for ideas on what format the show might take, might I suggest a reality TV show? They're all the rage at the moment. How about an Apprentice-style show where people vie for the latest government contract. It could be called "Show me the Manyi". I would even subscribe to Top TV to see Kenny Kunene eat a Parktowm prawn off a half-naked model on "I'm a tenderpreneur, get me outa here". Or how about a few episodes for Cribs. I've heard so much about Zuma, Shiceka, Cele and the Mpisane's pads, I would love to have a look. Or Khulubuse Zuma could attempt to lose some weight for "The Biggest Loser" but then we all know who the real losers in this sorry affair are.

REFERENCES
Manyi's next onslaught

Slumdog Billionaire or is something fishy with Mr Sushi?

Kenny Kunene

Mr. Kenny Kunene is the next Gravy Train passenger I would like to introduce you to. He's drawn the ire of a lot of people, like Zwelenzima Vavi. But, let's face it, who cares who you tick off when you're not only mates mates with the current president but with the future president as well: Julius Malema even held Mr. Sushi up as a model for the youth of the country. They should all get rich off the coffers of government according to the Youth League leader.

But really, all the hullabaloo in the papers about Mr. Kunene is absolutely uncalled for. Isn't it ridiculous how the media have been gunning for him ever since he ate sushi off some half-naked models? Mr. Kunene is one of the most important passengers on the Gravy Train where at least we appreciate that it's only whether one has a lot of money - and not where it came from - that matters.

Mr. Kunene is a self made millionaire (much like Roux Shabangu) who has helped make the New South Africa the success it is and just goes to prove that, in this New South Africa, all one needs to drag oneself up from the gutter and turn oneself into a success is some hard work, a bit of charisma and a little help from one's friends.  Mr. Kunene's rags to riches tale is one so incredible that it would be considered too far fetched even for a Bollywood script.

He grew up in poverty, got mixed up with the wrong crowd and later became embroiled in a world of gangs and crime, eventually landing in jail for fraud. There he met his future business partner, Gayton McKenzie, who was serving time for armed robbery.

The two crooks first made money selling Mr. McKenzie's autobiography to schools in the western cape before hitting the big time with Central Rand Gold. The company, listed in London and Johannesburg, has had in excess of R1-billion pumped in by shareholders and on the back of Mr. McKenzie and Mr. Kunene's ability to arrange mining rights fast they ended up as directors of the company - even though they are disqualified as being directors by the Companies Act. The company has since squandered it's money on excessive salaries and payments for dubious consultants and now is set to close. But Mr. Sushi and friends have found a buyer for their services in Gold Fields, one of South Africa's oldest companies.

Nowadays he's known for his nightclubs and the lavish parties he throws - his R700 000 birthday bash, the Mpisane's R1-million vow renewal bash and of course President Zuma's daughter's wedding bash - but it was on the Gravy Train in the early days of his success that he first tried the techiques that he has so well honed since. Luckily his parties have improved since the days when we ate sausage rolls off the hairy belly of Kobus our train driver.

REFERENCES
The man who dares SA to question his millions
Malema backs sushi tycoons
How a Joburg “gold mine” ate $200m in cash
Gold Fields, an advocate and two convicted criminals
How sushi king went from Mr Price to Mr Pricey

Even with his immense wealth and Lamborghinis, he remains a man of the people and is always ready to give back to the community. Only recently, at the final ANC municipal election rally he was giving out R100 notes to people in the crowd.

Kenny Kunene is proof that, even in this cynical day and age, fairy tales do still come true.

ELECTIONS: 129 Councillors have to walk home

Elections time is always a tense time on the Gravy Train – there’s always the risk for some of our passengers that their ticket will be revoked. Preparations started many weeks back when we asked Glen Agliotti if we could make use of some of his ‘heavies’. You see some of our more reluctant passengers may need a little persuasion to leave.

There’s only so much brute-force can achieve however: heaven knows how we will evict Khulubuse Zuma from the train should the need ever arise – the doors are only so wide. Thankfully, he is comfortably entrenched in his cabin and he’s in no danger of losing his free ride any time soon.

As I type, 129 ward councillors from the ANC have lost their seats, and with this all their Gravy Train privileges – you know, the cushy salary, easy hours, tenderpreneur opportunities and of course, the snack bar. For them, the next stop is the end of the line and they will be politely ejected. They will have to walk home.

New tickets will then be issued to all those who have won those seats and they will have the opportunity to take ride on this prestigious train. Whether they will take up that offer or not is up to them. Hell, if I’m blunt I hope they knuckle down and do some work for a change, we need all the space we can get - the train’s busy enough as it is.

WEEKLY ROUNDUP: 16 May 2011

There are so many stories of corruption and crass profiteering doing the rounds it's hard to keep up. Even the Gravy Train passengers get confused. So in a new weekly column, which I will endevour to deliver more promptly in future, I will try and summarise the week's top performers.  of course with the corruption at the levels it is, it's easy to overlook the odd story.  Please feel free to direct my attention towards anything I may have missed with a comment.  Also, in the spirit of the times, I have to warn you that if you don't read the rest of this blog, your ancestors will be royally pissed.

How to get mega-rich in 5 easy steps

1. Start a company and call it something snappy like Imperial Crown Trading 289.
2. Get a girlfriend who works in the Department of Mineral affairs.
3. Buy her flowers.
4. Ask her to arrange for your company to win the much sought after stake in Shisen Mine.
5. Get AcelorMittal to buy your company for R800-million. (Business Day 12 May 2011)

Getting their shit together

Tokyo Sexwale

Toyko Sexwale has vowed to investigate the Rammulotsi toilet saga, which just goes to prove that the only time anything ever gets done is when the faecal stench is wafted across the country by the media just before an election. But with the mayor and the municipality’s chief whip being accused of profiting from the tenders to build the unenclosed toilets, this is pong is going to with us for a while. (M&G 14 May 2011)

Maybe not quite so squeaky clean after all

Millions of Rands unaccounted for, accusations of impropriety and the Public Protector investigating. Sounds like just another ANC-run municipality? Except this is Midvaal, the DA’s Gauteng jewel. Baseless accusations or proof that corruption is endemic? (M&G 13 May 2011)

They're making a killing in North West

On Friday the M&G reported on the suspicious murder of a Rustenburg councilor, Moss Phakoe, after he had provided information of corruption with the municipality to Cooperative Governance Minister Sicelo Shiceka. The report details the awarding of the contract for the outsourcing of the Rustenburg Kloof Holiday Resort and Conference Centre to a company owned by the friend of the then executive mayor. With all the allegations of corruption in local government, which Mr. Shiceka was supposed to investigated it’s no wonder he’s suffering from burn out.

TCM don’t need a project plan in Ekurhuleni

If you were to get someone to design and install a new computer network for your municipality (we all have one don’t we?) who would you get? Option A - IBM, a company that’s been in existence since 1911, holds more patents than any other U.S.-based technology company, has nine research laboratories worldwide and is synonymous with the development of computing as we know it today, or option B - TCM, who… aaahh… wait… who are TCM?

Well, Ekurhuleni municipality chose TCM, who quoted three times as much as IBM incidentally. When the auditors came sniffing, they found something didn’t smell right (no surprises there) and the police are due to come a-calling for five senior officials involved. (Saturday Star 14 May 2011)

ANALYSIS: The 'dodgy' property deals

Last Sunday The Sunday Times reported that the Department of Public Works had called for tenders for Durban Police Headquarters despite an ongoing investigation by the Public Protector, Thuli Madonsela, into the previous lease agreement. The previous agreement fell through when the building was bought by someone else.

But why is this lease so controversial? Well, the main reason is that these leases were signed without having gone to tender, which is in contravention of state procurement policies. The other big reason is that they are simply a rip-off. Property is a long-term investment and one would presumable expect it to pay itself off over a long period of time. These deals though result in massive paybacks very quickly. Let's Analyse.

Old Durban agreement (TransnetTowers)

The original agreement to lease Transnet Towers, a ‘shabby’ building in the Durban CBD had a monthly rental of R4,7-million with an annual 10% escalation. This works out to a total lease value of R900-million.

Roux Shabangu was not actually able to buy the building and it was sold to someone else for R15,8-million, only slightly more than three months rental.

Let’s draw a picture…

So, on the graph above, the column on the left shows the value of the lease (money into Mr. Shabangu’s pocket) and the column on the right shows the value of the building (money out). Clearly this would have made Mr. Shabangu very rich.  Unfortunately for him, it fell through.

New Durban agreement (Redefine Towers)

We don’t yet know how much Mr. Shabangu paid for this building - because he hasn’t bought this one yet. Neither do we know much about the lease but according to the Sunday Times, Mr. Shabangu was asking R127/m² and according to Redefine’s 2010 annual report, the building has 46 282m² of lettable space. With a 10% escalation we get a lease value of… mmm… aahhh… yes… R1,1 billion!

But what is the building worth? Well according, again, to Redefine’s own Annual Report for 2010, the building is worth R113-million.

Let’s look at those towers again… Yes this one is definitely not as good a deal as the last one, Mr. Shabangu.

Two other points I would like to make:

• First, if Mr. Shabangu is able to buy the building for the R113-million that Redefine themselves claim it is worth, he will have bond repayments of R1,1-million a month. The police will be paying him R5,8-million in lease payments every month. That’s a pretty good profit.

• Secondly, the average gross rental for the building currently is only R87/m² compared to the R127/m² Mr. Shabangu wants to charge.

Pretoria Building (Middestad)

This agreement, which has caused the greatest stir, is the least profitable of them all. Mr. Shabangu bought the building for R220-million but got a bond from Nedbank for R320-million. That gives Mr. Shabangu a nice round R100-million up front to spend on whatever he wishes. Of course he’ll have to spend quite a lot fixing the building up because from what I’ve seen it could do with some work. And with all the back-handers he’s gonna have to pay out, he may not be left with very much after all.

SEE ALSO
A tale of two cities, some farms and a police station
REFERENCES
Redefine's Annual Reports

Thereafter, the Police will pay him R3,3-million a month for the privilege of using his building while he will pay Nedbank R3,1-million a month for buying it for him.  Not much profit at all for the poor guy. He will have to wait until the tenth year when the rental will escalate to R7,4-million a month before this deal pays as well as the Durban one.

A tale of two cities, some farms and a police station

***This is the second time I'm posting this - Blogger crashed and this post was lost!***

We at the Gravy Train are very pleased with the new Gautrain, especially the station in Sandton, as this now allows us to provide our passengers with all the luxuries to which they have grown accustomed but with more convenience. Until the Gautrain had been completed, our passengers had to catch the train at Park Station in Braamfontein. Now I don’t have anything against the Johannesburg CBD per se – it’s just that in the last few years it has become rather tatty and recently it seems to be occupied by the worst scum imaginable – artists and hippies.

Roux Shabangu

It’s a sad state of affairs – this urban decay – and it’s a pattern that is replicated in city centres across the country. One has to take one’s hat off to those most enterprising of folks who have put so much time and effort into breathing life back into our city centres – people like Roux Shabangu.

Mr. Shabangu is a real revelation – someone who has dedicated himself to rebuilding our country. He has grown from selling mielie meal into one of South Africa’s most successful property developers. So what if he’s a close friend of the president? Where would we all be without a little help from our friends?

Not all of his ventures have been successful, though. He once tried to buy farms claiming to have a mandate from the government but the deals fell through and some estate agents lost a fortune – but who feels any sympathy for them anyway? He’s also being investigated by the Hawks in relation to a payment of R10-million that the Land Bank can’t explain. But how should he be held accountable for their lack of record-keeping? I won't even go into the details on the R20-million police Station in Mpumalanga that never got built.

It’s the lease agreements where he stands to contribute the most to society. This is where he will almost single-handedly turn decrepit old buildings in some of the worse parts of town into property jewels charging top flight rentals.

Of course, he will make some money on it - he stands to rake in R100m up front on the lease of the Middestad building in Pretoria and after 20 years, the police will have very kindly paid it off for him.

He would have only needed three months of rental to pay off the Durban property he was due to lease to the Police. This ridiculously profitable deal was scuppered by only one thing – somebody else bought the building before he did. So he’s trying again – he’s considered the preferred bidder for the new Durban Police HQ lease even though he doesn’t yet own the building. He may not make the killing he was hoping for now that the current owners know how much the lease is worth however.

REFERENCES
Hard work got me here
Omstrede ryke ‘koop plase vir die staat op’
Roux Shabangu and the Land Bank loot
Roux's R20m bungle
Property tycoon Roux Shabangu has hit the jackpot
Police building deal back on track

Roux’s got a raw deal in the press lately with the furore over the lease agreements for the police headquarters making headline news and even the Public Protector getting her grubby fingers all over everything. It’s so unfortunate that those that try to help to make South Africa a better place are treated with such contempt by the media and society at large. Okay, so he stands to make a ton of money but who ever said philanthropy should not be profitable as well?