Houses, houses, big and small

It's Thursday now and many of us on the train are still recovering from the massive celebrations on the weekend. Wow! What a wedding! One would think we would be able to handle all the partying by now but it does become quite a drain after a while. Not all of us are as fit as we should be - I'm looking at you Khulubuse. It was only a few weeks ago that everyone was partying up a storm at the renewal of the Mpisanes' wedding vows and Sbu's 40th birthday bash.

You must know the Mpisanes: they are amongst the highest achievers on the train – we are very proud of them. They have been getting a lot of mileage in the press too. We all appreciate the publicity.

You see Shauwn (that's the wife) is the daughter of the late Florence Mkhize. Florence was the chairperson of the eThekwini Municipality Housing Committee. Of course I am sure that it’s purely coincidental that Shauwn’s company Zikhulise Cleaning and Transport has won numerous tenders to build houses and schools from the eThekwini municipality. There have been some problems with the houses though: houses were demolished as they were unsafe and many more are in a poor state; Residents are demanding more houses be rebuilt; Many of them still don’t have water or sanitation years after moving in.

The media and the opposition parties are so hard on Shauwn. Don’t they realize it’s very difficult to be able to turn massive profits from such cheap housing? She’s had to cut every corner conceivable just to be able to scrape together enough money to buy her R15m house and her husband Sbu’s 30 supercars.

Now Sbu is another card. He was a key witness in the trial of the wealthy Mandla Gcaba while he was a Metro Police officer in Durban. Gcaba was accused of being involved in a shooting outside the High Court in Durban. Three people had died and six had been wounded. Sbu’s car was identified as the getaway vehicle – but he failed to testify and then disappeared. Later he started driving a Lamborghini to work! He has expanded his collection since so much that he and Shauwn bought the house next door, flattened it and built a garage for all his cars. Shauwn gave him a R1,8 million Maserati for his 40th birthday party.

Ah yes, the party… what a spectacle. It was Sbu’s 40th and the renewal of the couple’s wedding vows. A five day extravaganza that made Duduzile’s wedding bash look like Steve Hofmeyr night at the local karaoke. It apparently cost in excess of R1 million. They could have saved R30k though, as kwaito star Professor didn’t even bother to pitch after they had paid him. The couple wore Egyptian themed outfits – as Sbu said, they are a couple who like class.

After all this partying we’re not sure what the rest of the year holds in store. If it carries on like this we’re going to need liver transplants. And it’s so much harder to jump the queue since Dr Manto Tshabalala-Msimang passed on. Oh well, we will just have to struggle through. Amandla! Viva The Gravy Train! Viva!

January 2010 The mystery of Mpisane millions
March 2010 Taxman confiscates R17m in cars
April 2010 Mpisane houses need 'rectification'
August 2010 Mpisane houses demolished
January 2011 Residents’ hopes go down the toilet
March 2011 Love me tenders...
March 2011 Housing Scandals in Durban
26 March No expense spared for glitzy bash

A royal affair

The Gravy Train had to make a detour to the Eastern Cape this Easter. It’s not a part of the country we get to visit often but everyone’s happy to make a bit of an exception for a wedding. And this one’s a royal wedding nogal. You must have heard of it: it’s been billed as the wedding of the year. No, no, not that one… I’m talking about the South African royal family: The house of Zuma.

I see how one could be confused: the similarities are astounding. For one, both families have a lot of money. And we’re not entirely sure where it comes from. Both families have a jet-set lifestyle, flitting from one exotic foreign location to another on their private jets yet we don’t really know what they do there. Both families have a myriad of cousins, second-cousins, nephews, nieces, aunts and uncles who also seem to have rather a lot of money and who seem to be involved in just about everything.

There are certainly some differences though. The other royal family have nothing on our royals when it comes to style. I’m sure they’ll end up trotting through London in some garish, jewel encrusted carriage that looks as if it’s about to transform back into a pumpkin at any moment. Our royals had a cavalcade of 12 Lamborghinis and a white rickshaw. And the bling? There were no fusty old crown jewels for our royals – they aren’t restricted by ridiculous traditions and rituals (except those that make handy excuses, huh, JZ?). No, our royal bride was sporting a brand new R1,5m diamond necklace custom-made for the event.

And the guests? They are the crème-de-la-crème of South African society, people of the highest calibre (literally in some cases). Many of them are passengers of our train: Fana “Bang Bang” Hlongwane, Khulubuse “The Beast” Zuma and Kenny “Sushi King” Kunene to name a few.

But all good parties must come to an end. The Gravy Train keeps on running and is showing no sign of stopping or slowing down any time soon. Keep an eye out for us – we’ll be coming to a town near you very soon.

The peasants are revolting!

We had quite a scare on the train today; I must tell you about it! We made an unscheduled stop in Ingquza Hill, Sicelo Shiceka's home town, to allow Mr Shiceka to check on the progress of his mansion... I mean, to check on the progress of his road... I mean the public road built for everyone that happens to run past his house. Sheesh, it's better than the excuse he gave to visit his girlfriend in jail in Switzerland!

As we stopped in the town, the train was surrounded by an angry mob with pitchforks and burning stakes. They were clearly angry about something but were just unable to clearly express their frustration in any civilised manner. We all assumed it was the ANC Youth League returning from Zululand and were about to open the doors to let them on when they started chanting for mr Shiceko's head on a stick. It's fair to say we were all a little surprised at that point - we know Julius and co can be a little unpredictable at times but this was going overboard.

Their leader then approached the train and repeated his call for a Shiceka skewer. We then realized these were the local peasants. And they were revolting!? I mean, this is the 21st century, not the Dark Ages. Although, I must admit, looking out on the village of dirt streets, with no running water or electricity and surrounded by the abject poverty, there was certainly a resemblance.

We tried explaining to them that pre-election promises of houses, roads, electricity and water would be fulfilled eventually – except that the houses were being built, electrified and watered one house at a time. It was just that mr Shiceka’s happened to the first on the list, purely by coincidence of course.

REFERENCE
Villagers threaten 'massive revolt' against Shiceka

Clearly they were in no mood for rational dialogue and started attacking the train. Bheki Cele came to the rescue and volunteered to try and calm the protestors. He said he would use all his diplomatic skills to ensure that the situation was resolved as quickly as possible and in the most peaceful manner. After the shooting died down and the protestors had fled, we closed the door and the train pulled off, with all on board resolving never to return to this horrible place. Mr Shiceka was welcome to visit as often as he liked but from now on he would have to travel with his VIP protection in his 10-car cavalcade up the road built expressly for the purpose.

Shiceka sets the pace

We were extremely impressed today to see Mr. Shiceka on the front page of the Sunday Times for the second week in a row! And all this while Mr. Shiceka has been recovering in our medical carriage. This remarkable performance has even impressed Bheki Cele who has resolved to work much harder in the face of this unexpected competition.

Therefore in celebration and as a reward to Mr. Shiceka, he will be the first to have his score calculated and added to our Roll of Honour.

Trip to Switzerland to visit girlfriend (4 points)
plus: 1 point for assistant
plus: BONUS point because girlfriend was in jail for drug smuggling!

Stays at One&Only in Cape Town (7 points)
plus: 1 point for staff
plus: 1 point for Sangoma

Flights in SA (2 points)
plus: 1 point for giving all the family a go as well

Spending his full allowance of two luxury cars (2 points)

Living like an emperor amongst the poverty of Ingquza Hill (5 points for sheer audacity!)

Being on sick leave for over a month, blaming his absence on having too much work, expecting someone else to cover for him and giving no indication of when he will see fit to return to work (5 points for arrogance!)

Claiming to have a master's degree in political economy when he didn't (2 points for the cheek)

Allowing his girlfriend to use a government vehicle for shopping (1 point)

Throwing a birthday party for his mum and getting us to pay (1 point)

Failing to investigate irregular financial transactions amounting to R1,8m in his department (all from his office) (2 points)

Out judging panel all agree: that is a strong effort from Mr. Shiceka. He certainly sets the pace. A massive 34 points sets a very tough level for our fellow passengers to aim for. No doubt we have some strong contenders and they will be inspired by Mr. Shiceka's performance so watch this space.

Watch this space as we will put more of our passengers through their paces in the coming days and weeks.

Shiceka builds emperor's palace in SA's poorest village
Shiceka: Hey big spender

The Gravy Train doesn't stop at Ficksburg

Andries Tatane was killed during a service delivery protest in Ficksburg yesterday. Nathi Mthethwa has urged the country to wait for the results of a full investigation into the incident before jumping to conclusions. This is ridiculous. We are all able to see the violent and brutal way in which the police clamped down on the protestors from the footage aired on SABC news. We could all see the police surrounding and beating Mr Tatane. We don't need investigators to tell us that the police acted with excessive force. Surely the minister could admit to this much instead of sticking his head in the ground and pretending it did not happen?

Sadly, this sort of incident is all too common and it's only the fact that it was filmed and broadcast that sets it apart from the many other police crimes. The Independent Complaints Directorate (ICD) has admitted that the 6 375 cases it investigated in 2009/10 does probably not even cover the full spectre of police criminality. This includes crimes as such as rape, murder, and assault with intent, allegedly carried out by police officers on citizens who, in some instances, had turned to the police to protect them.

It's no surprise that the Police are getting more and more brutal. The culture of shoot first, ask questions later has been championed by Bheki Cele. There were warnings that the militarisation of the police ranks could turn back to clock to an Apartheid-style policing. Fikile Mbalula (then Deputy Police Minister) encouraged Police to "Shoot the bastards". He also said it was inevitable that "innocent people are going to die" in the battles between Police and criminals.

The irony is that only a day before, during the presentation to National Assembly Mthethwa said that this was to be "the year of the good cop". When DA MP Diane Kohler-Barnard crisiced the Police, saying that they had begun a slow and relentless meltdown, he lambasted her, saying she was "deluded", "living in her own world... People who comment like you... will not distract the police from what they do". Clearly it is you, Mr Mthethwa, who is deluded if you believe that our South African Police Service is not completely dysfunctional. How many more people will have to die at the hands of the Police before you, or the public who voted you in to your position, realise that.

Somehow those in charge of the Police seem blatanly unaware of the problems with the service. How is this possible? Are the trappings of the Gravy Train proving too much of a distraction? Too much time spent in Luxury hotels (Mr Mthethwa)? Lavish weddings in Pennington and dodgy rental agreements (Mr Cele)?

The Gravy Train doesn't stop in Ficksburg - there's not much demand for our services there. No wonder these things can go unnoticed. Choo Choo.

We saw our friend die
Mthethwa rubbishes Kohler-Barnard's claims
Remilitarisation of the Police
Diane Kholer-Barnard's Speech on Police Budget (May 2010)
Shoot the bastards - Fikile Mbalula

Planes, Trains and Deatheaters

We had quite a scare the other day on our Gravy Train. I have never seen MPs running so quickly; I thought it was part of Bheki Cele's 'stomach in chest out' Boot Camp style physical training exercises until I heard the blood curdling screams. The train shook as Khulubuse Zuma ran past and though he was out of breath from the brief bout of physical exertion, he was able to wheeze out a panicked warning about Deatheaters on the train. I assumed indigestion was causing him hallucinations again until Bheki Cele drew his weapon and started firing at a dark, cloaked creature gliding through the carriage toward us. "Deatheaters", I thought. "This isn't the Hogwarts' express and there's no Harry Potter on this train! This is the Gravy Train, damn it! And if we were to let cold-blooded, pasty-faced, blood sucking witches on to this train Helen Zille would have got on a long time ago!"

As the creature got closer, it lifted the hood from over its face and its long, drawn features and wild hair, which seemed to have a life of its own, were visible. It stared at us through its cold, evil eyes and we realised what we were facing. It was only Lindiwe Sisulu. It's seems the bullets had lodged in the bullet proof vest she was wearing. It was the latest technology from Denel, which Lindiwe said she was actively trying to sell to Gaddafi but was struggling to reach him for some reason.

Lindiwe Sisulu

REFERENCES
Sisulu defends VIP plane spending
No cash for SA air force to fly Gripens
Air force wanted to buy six vip jets

Minister Sisulu is officially the Minister of Defence but recently she has been coordinating our planned expansion into new markets. Yes, we're taking to the skies and we hope to launch the new Gravy Plane very soon. Well, by the sounds of things there will be a few planes. That's in addition to the Boeing Business Jet that was bought for Thabo Mkebi in 2001. Soon we will have a Gravy Plane fleet. The new planes will be leased for R800 million rand. Really it’s a drop in the ocean when one considers every thing else the budget is spent on – schools, housing, etc. – it could be lost in the rounding.

Some might say that in recessionary times as these some fiscal prudence could be called for. Maybe our VIPs could fly, like those in New Zealand & Denmark, on commercial airliners. They could even fly first class. Preposterous! Why how could anyone even contemplate flying on a commercial airliner - even in first class - after they have grown accustomed to the luxuries on the Gravy Train... and very soon the Gravy Plane.

Please take your seats and fasten your seat belts, as we taxi to the runway. And thank you for flying the Gravy Plane. Please come again.

Khulubuse Zuma at the trough again

That we have a lot of well connected people on this train goes without saying. Connections are vital for organising a ticket. Let's face it - the tickets are free but you need to know the right people to get one. It's not as if an education, class, skills or competence qualifies you for a ride on this train. And as far as connections go, our next passenger goes all the way to the top. You know, there are many fat cats on this train but few come fatter than this. Follow me to the dining carriage where we are sure to find Khulubuse Zuma (or Beast as we like to call him). Please, do try to keep your distance - there was an awful mix up last year when Beast bit off a bit more than he could chew from one of Kenny Kunene's famous sushi platters.

Khulubuse Zuma

You must know of him: he's is the president's nephew; he's a director of Aurora Empowerment systems with Zondwa Mandela (Madiba's grandson) and Michael Hulley (Jacob Zuma's lawyer) amongst many other dubious achievements. Aurora have been trying to buy two mines from the liquidated Pamodzi Gold since October 2009. They haven't been able to raise the finance but keep getting extentions from the liquidators (see what connections can do for you?) but in the meantime, they've stopped paying the workers, the mines have ground to a halt, they've stopped pumping acid mine water and the mines are being ransacked. Oh, yes, and the odd 'illegal miner' has been killed by their security guards.

One would think, with his financial troubles at Aurora, Beast would need to do a bit of, ahem, belt tightening. But the Gravy Train waits for no man and he recently pledged R1 million to the ANC at an fundraiser in a swanky hotel in Zimbali.

REFERENCES
R1m ANC pledge
Liquidator's reaction to Solidarity claims
Solidarity threatens legal action
Aurora funding extension
Aurora mine killings
Other deals

While he was gorging himself on the dessert tray, one Aurora employee chose to swallow ant poison instead. The poor fellow. Add another corpse to Beast's growing tally. Anyhow, there's always a silver lining as KZN provincial spokesperson Makhosi Khoza announced after the fundraiser: "The good news is that we want to confirm that we did have a good fundraising dinner".

Please stand away from the edge of the platform: the Gravy Train is coming through. Choo Choo!

Quiet please, Mr Shiceka is sleeping

Sicelo Shiceka

Our first passenger is Sicelo Shiceka.  You may know him as the Minister of Co-operative Governance and Traditional Affairs but he is just another passenger to us.  You must appreciate that all passengers on this train are entitled to the same exceptional service.

Please, we must ask that you remain quiet as the minister is currently in our medical carriage getting some much needed rest.  He's been there for the last month.  The people who catch this train often have very stressful lives and sometimes a little R&R is just what is needed.  We must stress that Mr Shiceka is an extreme case; his condition is so severe that we don't know when he will be up and about again.

You see, Mr Shiceka has quite outdone himself since boarding the train.  We hate to gossip about our esteemed passengers but Mr Shiceka has shown very little restraint in indulging in the luxuries we offer to our guests.  First class flights to Switzerland, staying in swanky hotels and limo rides; Such things are quite normal but Mr Shiceka partook in all the frivolity while visiting a girlfriend in jail in Switzerland.  All the while he was purporting to be on official World Cup business!  Why this is extraordinary behavior!  Even Mr Nyanda would be impressed!

But seriously, in nine months in 2009 he flew 183 times.  That's a flight every 1 and a half days!  How could one begrudge the minister a little time to recuperate?

Some of the old-timers just don't understand this.  We've seen them, you know, waiting at the stations patiently for the regular service when our Gravy Train pulls in.  They didn't get on board.  Not all of them anyway.  Somehow they seem to resent our passengers.  Why only last week Mr Asmal was shouting from the platform that Mr Shiceka should be thrown off, saying that since he was unable to perform someone else should take over his position.  Thrown off?  In his condition?  Ludicrous!  I had a quiet word with Mr Shiceka and he told me he intended to ride this train all the way to the end of the line.

Anyway... there are many more passengers for me to introduce you to.  Please follow me.

REFERENCES
Replace Shiceka if he can’t perform - Asmal
Minister splurges public money